


Painted Wounds.

by kurorbits



Category: kurorbits
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:00:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 38,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27305962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kurorbits/pseuds/kurorbits
Summary: Painting is the only thing that makes Akira feel true to himself, he doesn’t know how to deal with his bleeding wounds other than to turn them into paintings as he moves forward through the agony of living. "One day, I will see the result of this blind art" he keeps reminding himself as he keeps racing the time until the last breath he would draw, the breath that will allow him to see whether these painted wounds will bloom into the beautiful scars they were meant to be, or if they will end up as nothing but ugly smudges that were better left in the dark.
Kudos: 1





	1. i. breakthrough, project, dragon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Story’s References.](https://www.notion.so/Painted-Wounds-360359860de0498f8fc0f6b20e6cbbc1)   
> 

Buried between nails and bales of wood, I wiped down the sweat on my forehead. I decided to take care of this storage room as a part of a deal in exchange for an expensive necklace for my mother; a necklace she seemed so fond of before she realised its price. I thought of the deal as just when the owner of this jewellery suggested it but turns out it to require a full reconstruction job; it was barely believable that this place belonged to the fancy shop upfront.

He gave me the necklace in advance, saying that the shop’s policy was to never retrieve a good once it’s out of the shop, and that is how I was stuck doing the work for at least three men. Nevertheless, all of the sweat I shed felt like nothing the moment I pictured the smile on my mother’s face when I will surprise her with this on my birthday; she won’t expect to receive something on the day she is used to being on the giving end.

I returned the key to the owner with a smile once I finished days of work on this sham of a place. I couldn’t wait to go back home, to see the look on my mother's face once she sees the fruit of my hard work, but I have to hide to necklace away from its box for now; she will notice it bulking out of my back pocket the moment I step a foot inside of the house. I wore the necklace as I placed a portrait I made for her instead, pacing back home so I won’t miss midnight. 

Reaching the house afterwards didn’t take long, my heart took even less time to jump out of my chest once I witnessed the unusual mess that became our entranceway. Thousands of ideas stormed my head, fueling my legs to nearly soar the sky as I ran fast toward the source of the scream from the main bedroom. I found my mother curled up at the corner, covering both of her eyes and ears with a bruised arm.

No matter how much of an abusive scumbag he was, that beast would never lay a finger on her... I made sure to be on the receiving of his anger’s canon, so how did it end up this way? Pure fear was evident on her face as she kept crawling further and further away from the person she reclaimed her love for every morning and night regardless of his deeds, and that fear has fueled whatever force that awaited a window to take control over my body.

The next thing I realised was the pain spreading through my arm as I punched his towering figure, forcing him into a distance further away from her. However, that was all it did to him, forcing him to stumble a few steps to the back without causing any true harm, almost like he was surprised by a child rather than someone with a healthier body than his. He snapped his face to the side with eyes staring straight into my soul, filled with pure evil. My reflection on his orbits was enough to bring me back to the reality where I wasn’t capable of overpowering him even with millions of forces within and without .

I felt every bit of energy leaving my body as he stepped closer to me, crippled slowly by fear. Nevertheless, I kept a firm stance between the two of them, praying that he wouldn't notice my shaky breaths or hear the loud drums of my heart which was trying to escape my ribs. 

I don’t know how this situation would end, my death seems closer than it ever was now that this beast started to target the only person who knew how to put him into a deep slumber; he seems like he is on the brink of insanity “You think you can act like a man now that you've lived through another year, huh?”

My feet felt like they were nailed to the floor, taking my ability to breathe at once with the playfulness dancing on the tip of his deadly tone… he kept slurring his words, but he was sober enough to realise what today’s date was.

He punched the centre of my torso, pushing the air out of my soul in the process. I had to bend down with blurry vision because of how strong that fist felt against my stomach “then let your father teach you a valuable lesson on such a special occasion”

He didn’t spare me a second to stand as he kneed the left side of my face, causing my ears to start buzzing with pain so he could cripple my movement with the temporary loss of hearing. I knew that I couldn’t afford to give in to the pain no matter how much my body wanted to; I have to protect my mother from becoming the target of his bloodlust, and the only way I know was to fight him back.

The liquors he numbed his senses with somewhat slowed his punches, aiding me to dodge some of them. However, the ones that I couldn’t avoid were like a wrecking ball that broke whatever they landed on. The only thing keeping me standing at this point is by sheer will; I can’t tell what is moving and what is not anymore.

After god knows how long, I saw a window and I took it. Kicking that man’s wounded leg bought me time to look back at my mother who cried her fears away at the furthest corner away from us. I didn’t believe any word that left my mouth in my poor attempt to reassure her, but I needed her to stop torturing my soul with her cries; it hurts more than any pain that abusive scumbag could inflict to my body.

Thankfully, her cries came to an end as a smile started to find a home on her lips, making me smile in return because of the success of the trick yet once again. That happiness was short-lived as terror drained the colours off her face, and darkness engulfed me the moment I turned my head to hold a glimpse of the monster mounting over us.

_If my prayers could be heard, please never let this darkness lose its grasp over me. Let this suffering end._

I had to blink a few times and then more to get adjusted to the pure whiteness that took control over the place. _Have I reached heaven?_ The question kept playing through my head as I took a few shaky breaths, closing my eyes in hope of getting back to that sanctuary of nothingness for good. Yet, I knew that all the good things don’t come for those who only wish for them to happen, so all this was nothing but a child’s game to memorize the feeling I won’t be able to go back to anytime soon. 

I took one last deep breath before I mustered up the courage to open my eyes once again. The first thing I saw was my father's bandaged arm on the other side of the room so I traced it up to see a web of popping veins spreading through his neck as he argued with what looked like two police officers from Yalkell. Hearing my mother rejoicing at the fact that I opened my eyes made me realise that I was indeed still alive and this wasn’t another sick dream of mine; I must’ve inherited the curse of long life from my father. 

Now that I know escaping to the afterlife was no longer an option, I forced myself to sit properly. Yet, my body seemed to have other plans of its own; a sharp pain bolted from my head to my toes, forcing me to lay down once again as a whimper escaped my lips. The pressure inside of my head from the sudden movement blocked the voices of the world until I caught a soft tone that didn’t belong to someone I recognize “Take it easy, kid. You're safe now”

He shifted the line of his sight from me to the rest of the room, especially at my parents, before he speaks with a stern tone that befitted a doctor “I have to ask everyone to get out of the room kindly; I need to examine my patience now that he has awakened”

The abusive scum was about to make a tantrum, raising his bandaged arm in response to the hostility pointed at him, but mother was able to calm him down by the simple gesture of holding his arm. He looked down at her and when their eyes locked, her gaze was filled with... affection? How could she even stand by his side without feeling disgusted by what he did to her! He crossed the line he promised to never go near the night she decided to leave the fancy life she lived for him, having the gut to harm her after all she had to put up with while he escaped reality with liquor. Damn it, he was about to kill me right in front of those two eyes of hers and yet, she finds it in herself to display even an ounce of love for him after all of that?

The light tabs on my shoulder pulled me out of my thoughts, the doctor must’ve called my name several times now “Akira?” 

I eased the pressure I directed onto my fists unknowingly, knowing that I need to put a better facade now. The doctor was trying to get the truth out of me, but how could I trust him with it after witnessing what happened a moment ago? The truth seems irrelevant to my mother once it comes to that man, she seems keen on refusing the reality of the abyss he keeps pulling us deeper into “Sorry I spaced out, Doctor. Could you repeat what you just said?”

The warm smile never left his face as he repeated kindly with a low voice, almost like he was afraid it would pierce through the air if he raised it the slightest “Don’t you want to know what kind of injuries you had because of your last fight? You’ve just turned sixteen, congratulations by the way, and yet you’ve damaged your body so much already”

 _You’ve damaged_ echoed through my head… what does he know? He doesn’t know my powerlessness toward my father, and yet he feels privileged to throw judges simply like that? Damn it, I feel too drained to even get angry at this stranger.

I asked him after taking a long look at my arm, feeling my chest tightens on the realisation that I won’t be able to do any of the odd jobs I worked hard to find; I will have to go on job-hunting all over again since they won’t keep the spot vacant until my return “What are they? Aside from the broken arm”

He opened the chart and started to blurt the long list of incidents that occurred when my conscious slipt away by that force “You have two broken ribs, severely injured feet with shards of glass and we had to locate your jaw back into its right place. Serious bruises are covering the rest of your body, old and new ones, we had to stitch the top of your neck; you miraculously survived a vital spot by two inches when you fell on the edge of something sharp” 

He escaped being shackled for good for a murder outside of the battlefield he believes he never left. Indeed, he gained himself yet another miracle of not being humiliated by the hounds that awaited his next mistake.

Silence engulfed the air, the sound of my heartbeats on the monitor was the only thing I could hear until the doctor decided to speak again “Care to explain what happened, Akira Ishii?”

The only thing I could hear as he stated the list of injuries I had was the fees I will have to pay for the hospital; I am not sure I saved enough money to afford this expensive hospital. However, I have to keep this conversation going, so I answered with another question “What did my mother tell you about it?”

The smile on the doctor’s face made it clear that he wasn’t satisfied by the answer he heard “If I wanted the truth out of others’ mouths, I wouldn’t have bothered a patient who just woke up from nearly two days coma”

I knew my mother enough at this point to know the words she must’ve said, but I still need to hear it from someone else’s mouth to let the reality sink in. I forced myself to smile amid the pain I felt in my jaw as I placed his words back into his mouth “And this patient, whom you didn’t wish to bother, asks you about the words his mother said? Don’t try and lie to me about it so you could have a confession, I will tell the people you wish to deliver those papers you are holding so closely that you twisted my opinion to get the words you wished to hear; you won’t be able to say otherwise under the oath”

He looked taken back by my response as he stopped talking for a while. I have to be like a stone, I can’t waver now; I need to face the truth even if I had to use that scumbag’s military way of twisting the law to his gain “Are you sure you don’t want to take the hand I’m offering? There might not be next time; your father will be more cautious after this incident”

I barely held back the scoff from escaping my lips… even a helpless doctor is pitying me, believing he could overpower a maniac with connections and nothing to lose besides his anger at the world “It is bad for your health to run wild with conclusions, Doctor”

With that being said, I might’ve hoped to be wrong, that maybe for once, even if it will be the last, she will choose my wellbeing over the empty shell of what was the love of her life. Nevertheless, my attempt to cling to reality with my bare hands while yearning for salvation like a child made his statement feels like a burning slap. 

He took a deep breath before giving me the answer I have been persistence to get “She told the police about how much of a troublemaker you’ve started to become lately; like all the other teens your age. Your father kept drinking out of worry while waiting for you to come back home for your birthday, and she couldn’t talk him out of it when he saw the bad state you were in due to the fight you had before your arrival”

If someone would give my mother an award, it will be for her perfect skill in making up stories to keep her sanity from being shattered to nothing because of the cruel reality she has forced upon the two of us in the name of love. I can’t believe she would go to such length to cover up for his mistakes, to believe that I would do anything remotely harmful to either of them just to save her husband’s bad deeds after what he put us through.

_Love is poisonous_ , I finally can see it now. We kept blaming the ruins that became our lives on physical materials, on the alcohol and injuries, so our brains will protect us from the realization that we are the only ones at fault; we run away from reality so we won’t realize the empty circle of love we keep cycling through to no end.

I laughed at the top of my lungs, tears refusing to fall and declare my defeat; I won’t lose the last shred of pride I still have left, so I stated with confidence “It’s as she said, some drifters dragged me into a conversation I didn’t have to tire myself with. Since I am my father’s son, after all, I couldn’t allow someone to look down on me and simply walk away. He saw the shape I was in and we fought because you know, real men solve their problems with fists haha. He probably unintentionally pushed me in the cramped space of his room and I fell on the edge of the bed or something”

As I started fighting back the tears that barely stayed hidden under the long streams of lies, the door burst wide open and the last person I wanted to see was standing on the other side of it “stop acting like a Stohess chick who can't handle few bruises, time to go home”

The doctor blocked my father’s way, staring into his orbits without averting his sight for a second “I’m sorry, but I’m not discharging Akira before I make sure he is fully prepared. Protocols state that a coma patient need to stay at the hospital for a day at least”

The idea of being incapable of installing fear into others drove my father to insanity, so he grabbed the doctor by the collar and lifted him slightly from the floor. The forces pulled him away and my mother was waiting for him at the other end of the door that he slammed on his way out. The scene didn’t seem to faze the doctor in the slightest as he kept tracing my father’s back with his eyes, whispering to himself, mostly “As if I’d believe this lowlife isn’t an abusive scumbag? Tsk”

He shifted his attention towards me, sensing my discomfort to being exposed dry like that as he continued “Nevertheless, I am going to hand the police your earlier statement. It is not my place to offer a hand when it is not needed, as you said”

He fixed his coat before he grabs his scattered belongings due to my father’s tantrum. He turned once again before he holds the doorknob, the irritation of his inability to help was written all over his face “Let me give you a piece of advice then, Akira”

I couldn’t help but wonder how could he see all of the world’s flaws, being a doctor in Yalkell out of all the other jobs, and still maintain this urge to fix what his hands could reach? “The agony you are fighting against won’t stop just because you’ve got numb to the physical pain, there won’t come a day where you can breathe painlessly until you decide to _grab on the will to build yourself and act upon it until you breakthrough_ … I chose to become a doctor, which path would you walk through?”

He flashed me a genuine smile before he lifted his navy shirt, showing me a hideous scar that took over most of his torso. He didn’t say another word and took his leave after that, leaving me with my thoughts. He was just like me! Not a wealthy sheltered kid who thought they could fix the world simply because they wanted to, but a person who fell down the abyss and climbed back to the top. 

He didn’t look the other way and ignored the world’s flaws to numb what was within; reaching out to others could be his way to free himself from those shackles… I don't know when or how, but the tears I have been holding back for ages started to stream down my cheeks as my voice sounded unfamiliar to my ears, crying all of my thoughts away; I couldn’t deny my reality anymore.

* * *

  * **A Few Years Later, Current Time.**



Summer is hovering on the horizon, the sun burning us with its rays. Yet, I have no choice but to wear a long-sleeved shirt to hide the darkening bruises left by the tantrum that the alcoholic had the other night. I took out the art supplies from their hideout within my room, to protect them from such tantrums, so I would place them inside of my bag alongside the materials for my university. 

I had to tiptoe my way around the apartment; out of habit since I know a bomb wouldn’t wake up that man’s body that was filled with liquors. However, I bid my mother goodbye, yelling from the entrance as I wore my worn-out black converse “Don't count me in for dinner tonight, I have an extra shift at work”

A warm voice replied, almost whispering because she didn’t want to wake her husband up “Take care, my sunshine. Don't forget to eat something between classes”

I raced outside the apartment, resting my back on the door the moment I heard the auto-lock because I couldn’t keep up with the act of a normal family, especially after running like a madman a few hours ago because of the constant calls of complaints from the neighbours because of the noise the two of them made amid their fight.

I looked down at my shoes to distract my brain from the memory of last night, realizing that I will have to replace them soon even if I didn’t find it in me to do so; the fabrics were wearing thin in more than one spot and my lack of ability to replace my belongings won’t help me once it breaks. However, the best distraction came when the stairway came to view as my phone started buzzing inside of my pocket as a smile crept into my features the moment I read the name behind it “ _HEY! HEY! HEY!_ ”

The sound of my chuckle was overtaken by his enthusiasm as I tried to ask for the reason behind his excitement in this early hour of the morning “Someone is incredibly energetic today. Did something good happen?”

He laughed so loud before he says “ _Yeah, I've just finished watching the new episode I recorded from my favourite anime, it was INCREDIBLY awesome!!! I didn't believe they could even manage to exceed their usual level of excitement further even when my friend told me to anticipate what's coming next, but guess what? THEY FUCKIN DID_ ”

The fact that he never lost interest in the thing he loved even after becoming a sophomore in college was more amazing to me than the reason behind that excitement— even when he gets teased by his college mates often for _not growing out of this phase_ , he never seemed to pay them any heed as he kept talking about them to me whom interest for that world never passed the art references.

Sensing that he got more to talk about, now that used his usual pause to have me ask for us to meet face to face so he would be able to explain his feelings with his body rather than the words he tends to say they won’t form the way he wants— I stated “You could've waited for us to meet at the campus to tell me all about it”

However, the call went silence for a while before he speaks once again— I could practically imagine him standing in front of me with his sheepish smile while scratching his chin “ _Well, actually I'm calling to tell you I won't be able to meet up with you today, but I got distracted as usual”_

So that was the real reason behind that pause; he felt guilty for cancelling the only time we can meet nowadays, ever since he got himself a lover. Nevertheless, I predicted his alternative plan to give him some sort of ease of mind “A date with your girlfriend?”

The awkward laugh turned into a genuine the moment I asked, shifting into praising me instead of dwelling on the thoughts of what the reactions I might have “ _Your predicting talent always impresses me!_ ”

His straightforwardness brought a smile on my face, he must’ve been so worried about this if he had to call rather than sending a simple message “Ok, don't worry about me and make sure to have fun for both of us. I have an essay to write, so the timing couldn’t be more perfect”

We bid each other goodbye and I heaved a sigh the moment the phone came to an end. I might have said that to not tie him down to someone like me when he has a lover whom he loved dearly already, but I can’t deny how much I was looking forward to this… _Shift gears, Akira. Shit gears_.

I took a turn around our apartment complex, unlocking the bicycle as I raced the wind before it got blocked by the narrow alleyways. Mapping the city and all of its shortcuts inside of my head was essential for me to obtain the reputation of the best courier and get more odd jobs with hefty payment, and it helped me a lot to reach university faster on days like today where I had to start a bit later.

I had to tie my hair into a top-knot to see the road more clearly, but now I can wear back my pierced armour while walking around the campus. I started counting my steps to the vending machine “331… 332… 333 and good morning to my absolute comrade” I whispered to myself as I chose my favourite canned black coffee brand to shake off the traces of sleep, which I hadn’t have for yet another night out of my system. The sensation of the strong, bitter liquid down my throat felt like it was bumping straight to my veins, waking me up as a work of magic.

A smile was automatically placed on my face as I felt more energetic, but I didn’t have the time to dwell on those thoughts as I realized I am about to be late to a merciless professor’s lecture; he sends students’ attendance record with a one-way ticket without giving it a second thought for being ten seconds late. I started running, discarding any thought besides making it to the lecture hall on time— even the throbbing pain from those bruises faded into thin air as I thought of the damage my scholarship would take if anything went wrong with this particular course.

I burst the door wide open as I reached the hall in the last minute before the lecture started, seeing the professor sitting on his desk as he heaved a sigh after having a glance at his wristwatch “You are lucky to make it on the neck of time, Akira Ishii”

I sat at the nearest seat, barely having my breaths in order as I felt both anxious and ached everywhere— being the centre of the attention wasn’t something I felt grateful for and maintaining a low-profile proves to be an impossible task from now on. _Please, have something to busy yourselves with other than my existence. I_ prayed lowly as I tried to avoid the eyes that went astray to my seat.

However, everything slipped out of my mind the moment the professor started cracking the heavy subjects of this lecture, tying all of my hair without realizing that at some point.

Although I've pushed this subject a year due to this professor’s bad reputation, I gave in to the fact he will be responsible for it for many years to come, I can’t deny how helpful his lectures are despite his attitude; they are easy to understand and help with the process of making blueprints and executing ideas into the real world in the most efficient ways. Also, the fact that there is a professor who would make me get so indulged with the lecture to the point where the outer world would cease to exist was like stumbling upon a gold-mine, I wouldn’t have delayed it for a year if I knew.

The sound of clapping snapped us out of our focused state as a smug smile took over the professor’s face— the ticking bomb is about to take off “I suppose that you are prepared to have the main dish for this semester now”

The most criticism I heard about this professor besides his short-temper, was the unorthodox methods he chooses to determine the scores “I am going to assign you into a pair, each part of it is from a different course. Your scores are going to rely heavily on this project and how you will perfectly combine both courses into executing what is required from you. You have a bit over three weeks to show me the draft of your work, don’t make any excuses for not working your schedule with the other person— you could fail this course if you didn’t perform well on this project”

I took a deep breath, another project where I will have to work with another person— I hope it will be with someone who will slack entirely and leave it all to me rather than someone who would argue for the sake of showing superiority, only to end up leaving me with all of the work at the very last minute “The the thirteenth pair: **Levi Ackerman, Akira Ishii** ”

The only thing I wanted to do after hearing that was to dig a hole and hide inside of it; I became the centre of the attention which only added to the pressure of being paired to the most famous person at our campus— I might’ve earned myself another reason to be an entertainer for those rich scumbags other than the fact that seeing someone less fortunate entertain their fragile self-esteem. However, I can block their voices now that I am not walking in the hallways, I can overpower this desire of wanting to vanish until I regain strength in the pits of my stomach. The sound of the pencil against the rough paper has overtaken people’s voices, slowly making my racing heartbeats calm down as I scribbled down the inner structure of the building we were working on lately.

The details of the project were displayed on the monitor, so I didn’t bother myself with focusing on it as I kept flipping through the pages of my sketchbook… until the images of the metal bars and the smell of the materials I was trying to capture into the paper vanished from its surface with the constant taps on the table I was occupying. I traced my gaze up the arm that was tapping on the table, only to find it belonged to no other than my partner for the upcoming month.

I gulped down my nervousness as I tried to keep a calm facade; I have to remember my place in front of a member of the Ackerman’s family “You are Akira Ishii, right?”

I couldn’t utter a word because of the feeling of being nearly choked with my heartbeats, so I simply nodded. He must’ve thought I was being unfriendly because he heaved a sigh as he asked “When do you want us to meet up to make arrangements for the project? I finished my classes for the day already”

Does he truly plan to work with me, a person from the skirts with a family name that keeps falling deeper into the ruins? What is the hidden meaning behind this? There is always one here at Sina “I am sorry, but I still have two other long lectures I have to attend to… I won’t finish before 4 in the evening, are you free by then? We can plan the meeting on a different day where it is more convenient for you?” The truth is that I don’t have any free time for the upcoming week because of the deadline of the debt collector by the end of it, but I can’t make excuses simply because it is not convenient on my side.

He asked me if meeting at the university’s library will be fine by me, but I suggested a different place as I took a deep breath to calm myself amid the increasing attention we received simply for speaking to one another “We could meet somewhere closer to you since you have ended your school day— anywhere is fine by me as long as it is not that expensive”

I can’t figure out what was going through his head as he stood there for a while, simply to make me even more surprised with his next suggestion “Give me your phone number. I will send you the location once you finish your lecture”

I wrote my number on a blank page before I handed it to him. Seeing the way he placed the piece carefully inside of his pocket before he takes his leave from the hall made me realize I ought to take my leave immediately; something bad is hovering around the place, initiated by the green-eyed monster fed by the emotions of those who lost a valuable chance of being noticed by a member of the Ackerman.

I know better than to let my amusement of the entire situation cloud the upcoming events. My existence as it is, being a kid from a nameless family who got himself into the university of the wealthy due to a hard-earned scholarship, places a target on my back; being associated with Levi will only make things harder than they already are. However, I need to tackle the things I have at hand, one at a time for now— I will hand the essays I have due today, get the best of each lecture memorized before I see where this sudden turn of events will take me.

A few hours flew by, and the lecturer allowed us to leave early. It took me a while to do it, but I built up the nerves to send Levi a message to inform him I finished so he would send me the meeting location, which he replied to as soon as it was sent… I know the Café he mentioned, it is only fifteen minutes away because of a direct shortcut from the university.

The owner recognized me right away, clapping his hands in excitement as he stepped closer to me “Your timing is perfect! I have a few important things that require the skills of the best courier to take from one place to the other”

I had to pause for a moment, resisting the temptation of accepting this job as I knew I would’ve been able to squeeze more money from this, as I told him “I am here to meet up with someone, sorry. However, if you couldn’t find anyone after I am finished, I will help you with a lower price for the wait”

A smile took over his face the moment he heard my offer before he thanked me and told me to enjoy my stay since I am a customer for the first time rather than another worker.

Spotting Levi wasn’t hard, he had a strong presence and people were wary of his existence with no way of hiding it. I apologized for being late as I sat across him, feeling less tense compared to the stares we received back at the university. 

He was professional about handling this, asking me right away about the method we were to take in splitting the workload between the two of us. I answered with a simple statement of taking what he feels comfortable and leaving the rest to me. The offer usually saves me time and people get overjoyed the moment I finish saying that. However, it seemed to have the opposite effect on him as he asked with evident irritation “Do you always let the people you are supposed to work with to choose their proportion as well? That would give the chance for loads of scumbags to take credits for doing nothing”

To say I was shocked by his choice of words would be an understatement. Nevertheless, I answered his question with the truth “Yes, it will save us future fights and unnecessary waste of time”

He hummed in response, telling me that we will split the work fair and square. Thankfully, that seemed to be the end of the bad blood we started on as he apologized the moment he said what he got to say “How rude of me, what do you want to order?”

I simply chose to order the coffee I knew had the lowest price on the menu, even if this was a simple Café with reasonable prices compared to the ones at the heart of the city, it was still a place in Sina. He ordered some tea with a nice aroma to it.

Discussing the matter at hand would take us days, the sole negotiation of which aspect we should focus on for this subject is taking longer than we anticipated when we started writing down our ideas. However, the fact that I can say the word _discuss_ when the other party is no other than Levi, son of Ackerman, still baffles me. He was unexpectedly an easy person to talk to, despite the way I usually speak with those of a highborn, the fact slipped my mind during our negotiation as I rejected some of his ideas because of how bluntly he rejected mine— somehow meeting me eye to eye the entire time.

We stayed a couple of hours, trying to narrow the headings we are going to involve in our project to our best abilities. However, I already pushed two jobs for the day, I can’t afford to leave without a notice on the only steady job I have “I apologize for the inconvenience, Mr Ackerman, but I have to head to my shift soon”

He checked his wristwatch before he raised an eyebrow “Oh, it has been already two hours since we started? It’s alright, there is no need for apologies”

I took a deep breath, trying not to jump behind a cold mask to hide how nervous I was; it would be wrong to treat him coldly when he was decent enough to participate in the work without relying on his privileges “W-when will you finish your classes tomorrow?”

He checked his phone before he told me about the fact that he finishes an hour after me, asking me casually to meet again here before I get the chance to do so myself. I didn’t have anything better to do besides the job I have at a children’s theme park that I don’t earn much from; I kept doing it due to pure attachment since it was my first job when I first stepped into Sina “I will wait for your message, then”

Knowing how much my order costs, I left the money on the table as I fixed the bag on my shoulder. I would’ve headed for the door right away, but I still have a promise to keep. I took a detour to the staff’s room, knocking on its door for a girl with short hair to answer “Oh, Akira! It is so nice to have you around so often lately. Let me call the owner for you”

I stayed still without making any sort of reaction, to which she looked pained to be met with— I don’t intend to be friends with her, leading her around by acting nice is something that I don’t have the energy nor the time to do. 

The owner came a moment later, carrying a middle-sized box in his hands “I didn’t have the opportunity to say that earlier because you were in a hurry, but you see... the package receiver is on the near borders of Stohess”

I heaved a sigh; I have been played yet once again. Stohess was known as the dark side of this place, filled with mobsters, human trafficking and everything illegal one could imagine and more. I corrected the owner “It is not that you _forgot_ , but thought it would be best for business to leave it unmentioned until it is proper for you”

A sheepish smile controlled his face before he stated pure facts “Nevertheless, you are one of the few and rare couriers that accept deliveries to _Stohess_ , which made your name known in less than a year, isn’t it? This is simply another job you can accept or not”

He whispered the area’s name, treating it as some sort of a taboo that you don’t want the world to know that you associate yourself with, which only made me release another sigh— I knew I would be met with such schemes the moment I decided to get my name known because of those jobs to Stohess, but it was one of the very few perks I could squeeze my way at the end of the month through fearlessly once I thought about the hell waiting for me back home; people of Stohess had no grounds to stand on when compared to the man I call a father “You know that I usually take double the fees, even triple it to Stohess, but I promised to do today’s delivery half price so hand me the regular fees”

The package and the money were prepared in advance, all I had to do was to take them and start with this job already. If I was lucky enough, I would manage to reach Stohess in twenty minutes, and if nothing went wrong, I might be able to get in and out of the drop location in less than fifteen minutes— I will still be a bit late to make it precisely at the start of my shift, but being able to arrive there today at all will be out of luck I guess.

Decreasing the time I spend until I reach Stohess was my top priority at the moment, which means that I should avoid the main roads and go within the alleyways and backstreets of those places that no one would ever dream of its existence within the borders of the great Sina; these are the pathways of runaways and vigilantes to either Stohess or Hermina, into the abandoned areas where the government has forsaken its citizens.

In front of Stohess, there was a safe place where respectful citizens should leave their belongings since the government declared it won’t have anything to do with whatever happens beyond the borders of Sina. The lockers are a bit expensive and have an expiring date, but that risk was better than losing them for sure once you step a foot inside the tiger’s den.

I took out my baseball cap before I handed my bag and the rental fees to the woman whose face was covered by the smoke she was inhaling for a while now, leaving her to attend to her business behind the metal bars as I covered most of my face with the cap’s front. However, the woman’s voice stopped me from stepping outside as she slurred her words “It took you long to visit this time, I thought you’d given up like the rest of them. Yet, you turned out to be more stubborn than a person would give you credits for”

I nodded slightly before I took my leave, stopping myself from engaging more with the woman as her tired eyes seemed to see more than I would like to expose. 

The path I was going to take had to be taken on foot, the damp streets that were filled with papers and shards of glass scattered everywhere weren’t a place to move on carelessly with bicycle tires. There were severed bodies among other whole dead ones on the sideroads, mostly swarming out of the dark alleyways, but the view was more than enough to warn a sane person to run for his life while he is still capable of doing that. Nevertheless, I kept walking until I found the bar the owner described earlier— one with rusty looks, filled with beer, weed and human’s bodies smell… it was one of those places.

Being here made me feel a rush of anger that I normally keep under control, so I asked with a loud voice to cut my time within these rusty walls short instead of asking each person at a time while checking their arms “Where is Mr Skorpion?”

A forced laugh has taken the entire brothel, coming from a man who was slowly choked by the alcohol and fats that filled the edges of his seat “Hey lads, listen to this: the vail is being called A _mister”_

A man stepped with confidence written on his demeanours, clearly, a posture of the person I needed to hand this delivery to as he didn’t have the scorpion’s tattoo on his forearm. Discovering his true identity beforehand helped me to disarm him by hitting his wrist and force the knife he hid within his sleeve down to the floor, seeing a shadow from the past as the scene unfold itself in front of me:

**_My broken arm was healed, the damaged ribs hadn’t been aching much lately and my skin has gotten back its natural tone in many places since nothing happened after that incident and yet— I came to learn about how even ashes that were supposed to be blown by the wind would turn into a living hell if not taken proper care of while you wipe what happened off your chest, burning you again and again with the simplest blow of the wind._ **

**_Those ashes were the remnants of the feeling of betrayal, pain and all the other emotions my sixteen years old self couldn’t comprehend at the time. They were unbearable, I needed to vent them out, to make a hole for the ashes of what used to be a pure soul to get blown out of me before the flames devour me— my body was controlled by that force once again, seeing the empty liquor bottle as my weapon to make that hole as I ran forward to whom I thought clueless of my existence. Nevertheless, he turned around at the perfect timing, hitting the bottle out of my hand as he hit my wrist with the side of his palm, effortlessly; he would’ve split it beyond repair if he put a bit more strength into his hit._ **

I repeated the words my father told me at that time, his voice echoing through my head simultaneously “If you had the gut to wield a weapon and attack someone with it, you should’ve had the brain to train the arm that will hold it first”

The laughter came to a halt when I grabbed the man’s palm and raised it to the air, blocking out his shouts of help as I roughly twisted it “The man I need has a scorpion’s head tattoo on his hand— shall we stop these stupid games and have everyone to get back to their duties?”

Talking with this kind of tone while I am outnumbered with no back up will only lead me to my certain death. However, the idea of being late to my next shift had more priority at the moment as I knew my curse isn’t to be comforted by death just yet. 

The large man from earlier seemed to get fed up with the situation, he stood up with a real struggle as the floor shook beneath his weight with every step he took. Before the scene got ugly, a man stood between the two of us, blocking me entirely from the large man’s sight as he raised both of his arms in the air, showing his tattoos to the world in the process “Now, now. Don’t mind him, Great Master— he is a wimp that doesn’t know what he is getting himself into being new to the area and all ha… ha”

He turned around to warn me from digging my own grave, to which I interrupted by handing him his package with a paper and a pen on top of it “Your signature, if you may?”

He did what I said as he seemed dumbfounded by my lack of fear as death was surrounding us from all directions, giving me a few more minutes to spare on the road as I fixed my baseball cap and got myself out of this place, hoping that I will cease to exist from people’s sight if I hid my face even more under the cap.

Regardless of my plans, those men had no intentions of allowing someone to walk out of their place after humiliating them the way I did without attempting to teach me a valuable lesson about my rightful place. Someone grabbed the back of my shirt as they had plans of dropping me to the floor, but I was accustomed to this sort of attack so I held on to his torso on my way to the floor, using my arms strength to raise my legs and surround his neck with them. The sudden weight was more than enough to drop him down on the floor.

I fixed my position, turning to the opposite side as I sat on his chest to rain him down with constant punches, putting all of the soreness I felt from the fight I had with my father into those punches until I could feel numb— surrendering myself to the wild force of anger that took over me as I lost myself to the violent, proving once again that I am nothing but my father’s son after all.

No one jumped to his rescue, leaving the two of us to fight like dogs as they started shouting and enjoying the bloody scene. I barely managed to pull myself out of the blankness I fell into as I saw my fist covered in both of this man’s blood and mine; people enjoy watching fights here rather than stopping them if one of the parties concerned isn’t of high statues or someone with enough wealth to hire bodyguards to attend to his needs.

I walked out of the place for real this time, cursing my inability to have better time management as my wristwatch indicated the fact that I was already fifteen minutes late and still counting… damn it!

Racing the wind filled with the sewers smell, I jumped into the safe place to retrieve my belonging the moment I stepped out of Stohess, unlocking my bicycle as I tried to balance myself on it without putting too much pressure on my bruised hand— it is going to become very ugly by the end of the day. My only comfort in this was the fact that I punched the man with my left fist rather than the right one; it would’ve been too much trouble to switch between my dominant hand and the other to soothe the pain every once in a while. 

Soon after, I managed to reach Dämmerung. The Chief saw me panting roughly as he stood near the backdoor to take a cigarette “I thought you won’t come today”

I tried to smile as I told him “I am sorry for the delay, I will try to inform you beforehand if a similar situation arose”

He nodded in response, simply pointing at his neck and cheekbone before he returned to his restaurant, indirectly telling me to cover them since this was a family restaurant and it won’t be appropriate for me to serve children in such a bad state. I followed soon after, heading to the staff room instead.

I rinsed my hands with cold water, keeping the water flowing from the tab so I can clean the blood and prevent the bruises from becoming uglier than they have to. There was a concealer that a part-timer suggested to me in the past as she taught me which tone to choose and how to perfectly apply it on my body, saying that makeup was like colouring painting and I was born with the eye for it already. The girl had an enthusiasm that resembled the worker at that Café, probably at the same age as well, but she didn’t work for too long with us since she had to move back to Yalkell not long after she started working at Dämmerung.

Applying it didn’t take too long, so I climbed the stairs to help the other waiter with sitting up the tables before I started taking orders myself. The table I was assigned to had two women, each sitting next to their daughter, one of the two girls was energetic compared to the other well-mannered child as she kept ordering dishes at random without minding the fact that it will be to her liking or not. Her mother didn’t seem to mind her actions, even when the other woman pointed out with a devious smile playing on her mouth “My, my. You should stop your girl; the poor waiter can’t remember all the random things she is blurting”

Almost like she was waiting for that to be said, the mother looked my way, waiting for me to show the first sign of hesitation so she’d start insulting me. Nevertheless, I have got them all memorized, so I simply repeated them in order before I asked “Would you like me to add them all to your order?”

Seeing the glimpse of irritation taking over the customer’s face, I realized that I have done something I shouldn’t; I have ruined the plans of a valuable customer, someone who would have taken this place as her frequent visit if it wasn’t for my worthless pride. It wasn’t the first time this sort of thing has occurred here, but I made a promise to the old man that I will make the customer’s pleasure my top priority when he told me that he won’t care about any luggage I might be carrying along if I was capable of doing that.

I took a deep breath and tried to put on a smile, leaning closer to the child as I pointed at the menu with an open palm while hiding the injured hand under the towel we carry around “However, if I may suggest, look at the backside of the menu; there is a set of special recommendations that’d taste a lot better together than trying different dishes at random if you were new to our restaurant”

As the Chief has expected, having the dishes painted together in a set was more than enough to catch people’s eyes— the ten something years old girl had her enthusiasm back she flipped through the pages and made her mind on a specific set she thought the painting was fitting to her taste “Mama, I want this one!”

I held a notebook in my hand to fake the fact I was training my memory to memorize things once I hear rather than relying on studies and written notes. I focused my efforts into drawing the girl’s face as her eyes were filled with a lively gleam that was fueled by her curiosity as she checked the contents of the menu. Doing these little sketches was the only joy I took in involving myself with this wide range of customers— their excitement, anger, disgust, love, lust and everything else that I can see was a piece I could learn how to steal into the paper I am holding as I pretended I was writing down their orders instead. 

When they finished dictating their desires, I listed their order once more to make sure both of us were on the same page before I bow slightly, stepping a few steps to the back before I turn around and carry on to the next two tables to repeat the same routine. After that came the cleaning, which I did as fast and thoroughly as I could before I got myself back to the kitchen.

There was a nailed ball with the tables numbers on each nail on it, so I wrote down the orders before I make a note to the Chief “The customers on table five are truly demanding”

The chief laughed as he checked their order “So I better make it exactly as they said? The likes of them are going to be the end of food’s spirit”

I hummed in response before I head out once again, grateful for the fact that today was one of those busy days at Dämmerung so I won’t have the time to think about what happened last night. 

A hundred and thirty-two minutes passed by at the same pace, customers settling in and changing with no chance for rest at all. The night was getting darker outside, yet it felt like a never-ending twilight; the polish wooden floor that shined with a warm reflection of the lights above. There was a nostalgic feeling to the place, fueled by the jazz music which was a perfect fit for the modern interior design. 

My break came in soon, the Chief smiled when I entered the kitchen to spend my break there in case I was needed “There seems to be more leftover today, I am grateful that we don’t have to throw them away because believe it or not— that is the only thing that would truly crush a chef’s heart”

I bowed as I took the food, gulping it down at the speed of lightning without giving the inconsistency of the taste any thought. The leftover has a bad combination with one another, but eating them felt like being sent to paradise with the way I could feel the energy being restored to my body with each bite. 

My break had seven minutes still going through it, so I headed to the back alley and took out my cigarettes' pack to light one of the few left inside. I started inhaling the nicotine deeply, feeling it burning down my throat and everything on its way down to my lungs. The deeper I inhaled, the better I felt when I took it out as I started reflecting on what happened at Stohess. I nearly did it this time… despite my desperate attempts to push back the idea of how I might end up like my father, facing reality scares me so much when similar occasions surface; I lose control over my actions the moment I raise my fists.

The first time I got hit by the reality of this was in high school, but it kept getting worse as I grew older— being exposed to that black hole of violence made it harder to deny the possibility that blood could be thicker than people’s will, that I might be turning into the beast he is without realizing it because of denial. Dwelling on that trace of ideas made me burn four cigarettes back to back, and the seven minutes break passed me by just like that.

Fixing my hair and washing my mouth was my ending cue; I have to leave those thoughts out and immerse myself into my work once again. Cleaning tables, taking orders, going back to cleaning tables and helping out with cleaning the dishes for the remaining three hours of my shift. Today wasn’t my turn to close up so I washed my face before I changed back into my regular clothes before I head to the next per-hour payment job.

The job was at a nightclub, they sent me a message to fill in for a bartender that was absent without giving a note in advance. I get well paid for this particular job due to the short and unexpected calls. However, I am not a big fan of it because of the irony behind it; mixing alcohol seemed to be one of the fastest ways to repay the debt caused by no other than alcohol.

I still have a while before it starts, so I fixed the bag on my shoulder and rode on my bicycle, allowing the cleaner air of the heart of Sina to replace the sickening one within my lungs. I tried to distract myself with the strong wind that moved my shirt as I dashed toward the nightclub, but the feeling of being suffocated rushed inside of my chest like a cheetah. Drowning, almost like I was able to see bubbles floating around me; I felt the inability to take air inside of my heavy chest. 

Questions were hammering me down, pinning me with no way to outrun them in the middle of the traffic. _Will this suffering end when I reach my goal? Would I be able to breakthrough if I gave it my all despite the constant bleeding and what feels like a futile attempt to escape the abyss? Or will the abyss be what’s waiting ahead?_ Those questions were racing against one another, blocking my airways they demanded a definite answer in the middle of my throat.

Desperate to allow the air back into my lungs, I pedalled harder to reach the nightclub and calm myself before this attack got the best of me. Getting inside wasn’t a fast process since this was a somewhat luxurious nightclub for young masters and mistresses, but the guard at the back of the building allowed me in when I showed him my employment card.

I ran toward the staff’s room, dropping down on my knees as my breaths became audible— all I cared about was to get the sketchbook and pen outside of my bag, even if it meant for whatever prevented me to be dropped outside in the process. 

I started drawing with my right hand, sketching all types of faces and expressions that came into my mind alongside a few other calming structures which I found pleasure in drawing their basic lines on the whole page. I needed to use my bruised hand eventually, despite the massive pain I felt throbbing through it, and I was able to calm down at last.

After I felt my heartbeats getting back to their normal pace, I spoke, almost whispered to myself while inhaling and exhaling slowly “calm down Akira, you've been doing well so far. You've done well, you're working hard”

I wiped my sweat before I tie the upper half of my damp hair, leaving the rest of it to cover my neck. The uniform here is less strict than at Dämmerung, a simple white button-down, navy suspenders and black trousers with no need to wear our nameplates and reveal our identity to the maniacs out there. I rolled up my sleeves so they won’t get in the way of mixing drinks before I head outside to the bar.

The nightclub’s owner was standing behind the bar, biting his nails at a rapid speed with a distressed look on his face “Damn it! The forces definitely will show up soon if this kept ongoing... I am doomed!”

I heaved a sigh, knowing about the bad deeds they’ve been pulling behind closed curtains, but now I have to get involved in covering for it because I don’t have plans to return home empty-handed once this place gets raided “I can help, but you will give me a double bonus for it”

He was about to grab my hand in gratitude, but I pulled away before he reached it “You will help? But double is a bit—…”

I shrugged, showing that I won’t move an inch if I didn’t have the money. Reminding him of his fate once the assaulter’s family gets involved between him and the forces was enough to lure him into paying me the bonus he considered as pocket-money.

I fetched a towel as I jumped over the bar, pacing between the hyped-up crowd so the two main characters of the event won’t take notice of me. I gripped the assaulter’s hand, to which he was swinging the knife, as I forced the weapon out of it before I knocked him.

He didn't have the chance to see my face so I threw him over my shoulder before I hide the knife inside of the towel, handing the boy over to one of the securities that were standing like statues during the incident; they were too frightened of getting involved with the highborn that could turn their lives upside down at the gesture of their fingers.

The earlier event brought more curious bodies to the bar, ordering more to have a better look at the violent bartender who dared to involve himself with a highborn. The first one to take some sort of action was a college student, probably two to three years older than me. He spoke with a tongue that was heaved with liquors, getting closer to where I was standing from the other side of the bar with every word he said “You looked badass out there, but you have quite pretty features up close— I won’t mind swinging the other way if I'd be able to screw you on our own”

Showing annoyance would be another way to amuse this sort of person, so I simply asked him with unfazed features “What would you like to drink, sir?”

He nearly climbed the bar at this point as he continued asking with persistence“Why are you rejecting me? I’d pay you more than this shitty bar could give you in a whole year… I will make you ride on top if you don’t want to hurt your pride, I promise to be gentle”

This conversation seemed to be heading nowhere, so I started mixing a light drink and handed it over to him “You should try this one, sir”

Due to his desire to get back to the conversation so fast, he gulped what I offered in one go. His face had an interesting change to it the moment the drink settled in his system; I call this one the shithead’s mixture “this thing tastes better than all the shit they've been handing me the whole day! Give me another one, and I want to screw you up even more now — ah~ I can’t even imagine what it would be like to go on a second round while drinking one of your mixtures”

This kind of tireless harassment makes me realize that the backdoor of Dämmerung must be some sort of gate to the heaven; customers who come to the bar at the night shift are on the mature side of those highborn. They wouldn’t waste their time to give the bartender a second glance when they don’t want to inquire about the drinks they were about to have in their glasses. 

The college student was out cold soon; he seemed to overestimate his ability to drink. People kept flooding after that, both drinking and flirting with anything that could move, but the situation wasn’t as dire as I imagined it to be; the earlier incident made me have a new light that made the usual excessive approaching cease to exist.

My fingers started to feel a bit more numb because of the coldness of the bottle I use for the mixtures, but I didn’t have the chance to indulge myself in the thought as a curious pair of eyes approached me “Are you Akira?”

I neither confirmed nor denied, waiting for him to blurt out his desire since he didn’t seem like he’d be able to hold it much longer inside “I was sent here by the tattooist Kuroo. He assured me that you would be able to make me a tattoo, better than I would’ve thought, even with a simple explanation”

Kuroo has informed me about this customer a couple of days ago, but he needs a drink if I was to get any sort of true information out of his tensed shoulders “Would you like to get a drink first? We are in a nightclub after all”

Hesitant he was, he decided to take my offer after taking a thorough look at his surroundings. He turned out to be another light-weight drinker, getting slowly wasted on one of the lightest drinks on the shelf. Nevertheless, this served my purpose well as I asked him about the whereabouts of his tattoo.

He started hiccuping the moment he opened his mouth to speak, which didn’t cease to stop until I went away and served another customer “I want it on my upper right arm. Summer is on doors and I have got a nasty skin built from an old fire accident… a friend recommended to get a tattoo and get over this chapter of my life, so here I am”

He was covered with heavy clothing when people around him barely had decent clothing over their bodies. I didn’t want to dig more into his vulnerability, but I had to see the burns to make a perfect match for his scars. He started looking sideways in distress the moment I finished asking him to take his jacket off, so I tried to assure him with a light smile, the best that I could afford anyways “Don’t worry, sir. Everyone else is busy partying”

He showed me his arm after a lot of hesitation, and I could tell the reason for his worry the moment he took the bails of fabrics off of it; the skin was almost ruined by the scales of the burn, veins popping at some places. However, I have the perfect fit for it “You can wear your clothes back, sir”

Shook was evident on his face as he wore his clothes back, asking me if I was sure I wasn’t rushing out of consideration for him. After ensuring him, I started serving other customers as I barely sustained the excitement of trying to have the basic structure of the tattoo inside of my head to consult Kuroo’s customer on its details later on.

Connie once told me I had a cold gaze when I’m concentrating, and apparently, it was true. I was trying to visualize the shape of that man’s arm as I served a group of teenagers when one of them made a disgusting pick-up line “My lord, I think I have fallen for that piercing cold gaze. Someone call an ambulance, I might bleed to death”

The high pitched voice almost gave me a headache, she was surrounded by three boys and another girl— one of the boys pulled her roughly to sit on his lap, trying to show his dominance while burning a hole my way “How about I let you go there for a different reason tonight?”

I nearly had acid reflux from watching the pair as the rest of their group started cheering, whistling and showing absolute indifference to the world around them. I started pouring the liquors down their glasses, trying to shift my concentration on the shift in colours whenever I decided to add something different to the mixture due to individual requests. This chain of actions continued without any further exchange of words until I reached the last one of their group. The boy was distancing himself from the rest of them physically, giving an unfriendly atmosphere as his lack of desire to be here was evident on his face “I saw your moves back there, you must’ve been in loads of fights to act so calmly with the situation with absolutely no chances for error with those precise movements”

Yet another punk with a lot of free time on his hands. He was playing with his glass to hold me off from attending to other customers, so I took another one from the shelves and placed it in front of; his friend bought them an expensive vodka so I didn’t need to wait for her request.

Being another young master, my lack of interest seemed to upset him. However, he tried to keep his tone down as he spoke with forced calmness “I know that you are not mute since I saw you speak to that freak earlier, so why are you giving me the cold shoulder? I am not that bad once you get to know me, you know”

I tried to not heave a sigh as I bowed and stated with the regular answer I learned to go with on such occasions “You can call me when you finish your drink, sir”

Since I didn’t have a reason to wait at this side of the bar, I walked to the other side to serve yet another drunkard before I head back to Kuroo’s customers “I apologize for the inconvenience, sir. I will start working on your tattoo sample right away”

A light smile took over his face as he pointed with his thumb to his side, happy with the fact that he got company for the first time since he stepped a foot inside of this club. I traced the direction he was pointing at, only to find the same punk from earlier— the one who just called him a freak.

I tried to keep my expressions under control, depriving him of the reaction he was anticipating by doing this, as I immersed myself with sketching the draft of the tattoo. I started to draw the basic anatomy of his arm with my right hand, making sure to highlight the places of the burns accurately. Placing an angry and yet agonizingly roaring dragon with my left hand on the anatomy of his arm came next; I try to draw the tattoo draft with my left hand more than the other because of Kuroo’s constant complaints about his utter loathing for how dull and accurately-structured were the lines of my _submissive_ _hand_ as he likes to refer to my right hand.

Leaving the right eye of the dragon with no ink inside was intentional since it will look fierce with the redness of the burnt skin and the veins gathered in that particular area. Since Kuroo’s options were limited on the damaged skin, I tried my best to have them look as if they were the flames out of the dragon’s mouth as it released the agony and anger it felt. The lower part of the dragon will be on the inner side of his arm to which I drew another anatomy to demonstrate.

I flipped my sketchbook to the customer so he could see the rough draft of the tattoo, trying my best to explain it to him without taking too long of his time “The tail could end up as a normal dragon tail down your arm, or you could ask Kuroo to shape it into meaningful words to you... something to make you feel even more powerful every time you look at this spot — it’s an important spot of your arm, so make sure to have the best use of it”

He looked with wide eyes and gaping mouth, the punk wasn’t in a better shape either, so I explained further “this is a rough sketch. You could discuss the details and changes with the tattoo artist once I give him the final sample first thing in the morning”

Our talk was interrupted as the punk placed his hand on the side of the sketchbook before I could take it back “This art is mind-blowing! Instead of making some second rate tattooist ink it for you, I will introduce you to one of the best here in Sina… and you, just hand me the sample and I will rain you with money you won’t be able to count from all the offers you will get”

I pulled the sketchbook and closed it before he could utter another word as I lost my control over my irritation, allowing it to show on my face after dancing in the shadows for a while “If you agree with him, then it’s better to ask someone else to design the tattoo for you. I exclusively work with Kuroo”

I looked sharply at the punk before I left the spot to serve other drunkards. 

The only reason I even considered sharing my art with someone else was that Kuroo had the best ability to ink them into living lines— turning something as dull and basic as my lines into something fascinating was a skill I never imagined it existed until he decided to invade my personal space and offer me a job. Yet, that kid dared to insult him without having a glance at his talent, rating him as a second-grade simply because he wasn’t at the centre of their money ring with a name known among his circle of clowns. 

I tried to brush the incident off my mind as I kept doing my shift until six in the morning. The customer apologized for that punk’s attitude as he told me that he would double Kuroo’s fees, captivated by the thoughtfulness behind the tattoo’s design. I can earn extra money now that I finished this shift and had a new tattoo idea to hand over. 

Due to the unplanned money I managed to earn today, I can buy groceries earlier this month. I am sure that Mother would be delighted to have more options to cook in the morning for a few days. Since The Market in Yalkell hadn’t opened just yet, I can fix the design of the tattoo rather than wasting my time waiting aimlessly. The jazz mixtape I was given by the Chief would fill the gap that could be filled with the lurking demons— he said that that the soulful music of jazz was the best cure for an artist’s soul, and the Cassette Player had proved to be right so far.

I started fixing the rough sketch into more confident lines, searching for pictures of dragons as a reference; I needed to have a better grasp over the creature to give its details justice. That gave me a few more ideas to add to the drawing and twenty-three minutes later, I managed to give it the last touches before I solved an essay I had as I allowed my back to stretch on the wet grass. The darkness was slowly being devoured by the bright sun, almost like there was a roaring dragon who decided to release its anger on the world as well.

The freshness of the wet grass filled my lungs as I inhaled a deep breath, washing away the smell of machine’s oil and dust that covered the city. I Kuroo’s shop wasn’t too far away, and it would be better to go there without a package to be ruined by those energetic creatures he has jumping all around the place.

Due to the stray cats that found a home within the walls of his shop, the place was hard to miss even from distance. The number of cats I see seems to increase with every visit, and Kuroo said he couldn’t refuse them once they step a foot inside of his house because of how much they reminded him of his childhood friend which he can no longer see after denying the ways of highborn to choose his own.

The jiggly bell caught the cats’ attention as they gathered around me, allowing me to scratch their chins and pat them on the head until their owner showed up “Akira, you came!”

I took out my sketchbook before he started hugging the life out of me “I have come for business, it won’t be good if I died before” but before he could look at the sample, I closed the sketchbook; I can’t underestimate his visual memory “Not so fast! My fees first”

He took the usual amount of money out of his counter before he speaks with a sneaky tone “We’ve been friends for years and you still have that little faith in me?” To which I answered with a simple look that both of us knew the reason behind.

He laughed aloud, alerting some of his cats before they continued with their lives as he tried to defend himself “Fine, fine. I know I might have forgotten to pay you a couple of times and I might have pranked you a couple other after memorizing the design on my own. Nevertheless, I am a good person who is loved by cats, my soul is pure”

I handed him the solidified sketch before I start explaining the lines and ideas behind my choices in lengthy detail so he will have a full understanding before we discuss them. He gave me a thumbs-up as he examined the paper thoroughly himself “This is a lot better than what I had in mind, it will work out perfectly! I just need to twist the end of his tail into words to add more spirit into this creature”

A faint smile found its place on my face as I showed him the backside of the paper which had the same idea as his.

After he examined that too, he looked me in the eyes and asked with a carefree tone that didn’t reflect the worry that his questions were meant to ease “Do you even sleep? You have some bad circles under your eyes that I might start exporting my ink from, saving myself extra expenses”

I heaved a sigh before I told him about the fact that I don’t have much time to waste, and that he shouldn’t burden himself with needless worry; I will somehow manage as I always do. 

I lowered my body to pat another cat on the head before I turn around and feigned forgetfulness as I nearly stepped outside of the shop “Oh right! That customer said he will double your payment after some sort of incident, so make sure to dry him up without leaving a coin out”

I couldn’t have forgotten such an important detail, but Kuroo was doing more than enough by sending more customers my way to help me have more pocket money despite being completely capable of doing better designs on his own. Those customers were the only reason for our frequent meetings lately.

We weren’t exactly friends, but we came to this part of the city at the same time. I had a job in a construction site nearby at the time, and he barely finished opening his new shop after being disowned by his parents for his choice of being a free-spirit rather than being shackled down by the life they chose for him in advance. He frequently visited the site since he hadn’t built up a name for himself just yet, and he somehow seemed to pick on my situation without exchanging a word with one another back then.

He had a keen sight to see beyond what met the eye, and he used that ability to borrow one of my drawings of a magical creature I made on a whim to blow life into it with the ink he placed on his foreleg to show me what he was capable of. He was so keen on making me accept his offer, to have our skills clash with one another until one day the plain lines on paper turned into something grand before I could notice it. Both of us were green behind the ears, suddenly thrown into adulthood for trying to break through the shell that was forced upon us by our blood. There was no space for making mistakes to step with a wrong footing in the dark.

Art was our only outlet, and it spoke louder than any words we could’ve exchanged.


	2. ii. The Market, bright, construction.

Different shops filled The Market at Yalkell at a different scale of prices for numerous types of items. The windows of those shops were close to one another, confusing the fresh eyes to what belongs to what. I had to train my eyes for years to adjust to the schemes played in broad daylight. In the process of doing that, I found a few regular spots to fill my needs when I was tight on schedule. 

I greeted a few people back on the way when they recognised my face. You would think people will start forgetting you amid this maze, but apparently, memory is a strange thing that has a mind of its own. Nevertheless, I didn’t have the luxury to indulge in their little house-play, so I walked past them with a small smile to hurry back home. 

Stopping at the gates of Sina was obligatory. Sometimes, the forces would let me pass in peace after checking my identity, but most of the times I would be held for over an hour while being thoroughly examined as a strange hunger took over their hound-like gaze. They were well trained, probably more qualified to fight outside of Maria than to simply protect the borders of Sina from the terrified citizens of Yalkell, hence their abuse of authority when the frightened looks on people’s faces can’t withhold their hunger anymore. Nevertheless, sending disgusted looks my way as they examined me from head-to-toe seemed like the only thing they were willing to do today as they verified the authenticity of my student identity card... this day looks promising already.

I had a short ride to my apartment since the Worker’s District was near Yalkell, shortening my time record by taking the lift rather than climbing up the stairs to the fifth floor. I couldn’t help the smile that took my face when I realised that I made it on time for Mother’s breakfast; the pleasant smell welcomed me as I opened the door, making the creamy walls of the entranceway seem less dull in the process.

I was too hungry to think about placing my shoes the right way at the entrance, almost leaping into the living room. However, that joy was ripped out of my chest as I saw his broad back, almost covering his wife’s petite body as she moved from one spot to the other with a smile on her face.

The simple task of drawing breath seemed impossible; the fear of grabbing his attention stripped my brain from its spontaneous actions. _Mornings were never his time to taint_ was the only thought I could think of as I wondered about the possible reasons for the image ahead. The fact that he spoke loud and clear without slurring his words was driving me to the brink of insanity “Do you plan to stand on the doorway forever, kiddo?”

I tried to hide my nervousness, swallowing as hard as I can so I won’t break down under his gaze as I walked past him to place the bags on the counter, earning my mother’s attention at last “Is it that time of the month, already?”

I knew that I wouldn’t last long under their gazes, so I started channelling my emotions into the soft skin of my middle finger. _Run, get out of here now_ was all I could think of, but I knew I had to act normally, to be stronger than this urge; Mother will crumble down under the harshness of our reality otherwise. 

On the other hand, Father decided to have fun with words now that he was sober after so long. He spoke with a low tone that pierced through the air like a bolt, amusement evident in his voice “Where are you going? Don’t you want to eat with us and complete this family’s morning joy, my son?”

I kept scratching the soft part of my finger in an attempt to distract myself from the terror swelling inside of me at his still figure. He is enjoying rubbing salt to my wound, using the painted box mother is too fragile to escape without losing the last shred of her sanity; I can’t entertain him any further “I don’t have time to play family with you. Someone needs to put food on our plates and keep those loan sharks from ripping us apart since someone is only equipped to bring calamity on others with his liquors. Now, if you will excuse me”

A smug smile played on his lips as he leaned more to the side, joy oozing off every part of his body “You want to convince me that bringing money back home includes bleeding fists and smell that is strong even for a _calamity_ alcoholic like me? You are my son, Akira”

He stood tall from his seat, standing with an intimidating air despite his limb. I was too naive to think I could overpower him; I can’t move a step out of his way as his heavy steps echoed through the house.

A smile played on his mouth as he leaned forward, placing a hand on top of my head as he whispered “You are going to end up wreaking havoc the moment someone drags you off your high horse, just wait. My blood is running through your veins, you can never deny me or who I’ve become” 

After saying that, he returned to his seat, jumping back into the weary painting with light steps; he was feigning ignorance to the bleeding underneath it the same way she did.

I couldn’t move for a while, burns tracing the places where he touched as his words echoed without stop. The fact that this action was the only memory I had of him as a child, besides the faint smell of iron, made it burns even hotter. I had to punch my leg to force it into moving; I can’t be a prisoner to this cage for much longer.

I started to rub the alcohol smell off my body, scrubbing my skin as hard as I can to shut the voices inside of my head. I knew that I won’t be able to take the smell more than that, and I will end up damaging my body instead, so I started drying up and placing bandages where they needed to be **_showing your injuries, no matter how minor they were, was the same as asking for people’s pity_** is was what I was taught.

When the water ceased to pour, hollow laughter took over the air. It made me feel nauseous, but I can’t get out of the house yet; I need to see how much money I have now. There were stashes hidden at different spots of my room; locking the door alone wasn’t enough against the brutal force outside. 

It took me a while to put all of the money in one place, but then I realised we barely reached the required minimum for the loan’s sharks… we are doomed if I didn’t figure something out in the upcoming week. Damn it.

I started pacing back and forth as I returned the stashes of money to their original spots. I have to figure something out, to put more effort between lectures if I want to live to see the future with a clear mind. I took a sleeveless shirt and a fresh pair of boxers, stuffing them into my bag before I fetch a new sketchbook to pour my worries on its pages later.

I have an approximately 80 minutes break between my lectures, and since the break will be at high noon, I will get a better payment for it. All I need for now is to make a call for the man in charge to see if there was a vacancy for me.

The beeps on the other side of the call didn’t last long as a loud voice replaced them “ _To what do we owe the pleasure? I am sure we can grant our beloved Akira whatever he wishes for_ ”

I had to massage my temples the moment his loud shouting reached my ears; his energy was too much for me to digest with a sleep-deprived brain “I am making this call regarding the usual paid-hours. However, I am afraid it will be only for an hour and a half, starting eleven. Would that be alright with you?”

A strong laugh took over the other side of the phone “ _You work considerably faster than most of us, so no complaints on my side. Just make sure to show your face, we missed you at the site_ ”

I heaved a sigh after ending the call, taking back what I said about how promising this day seemed to be “Switch gears Akira, switch gears” I told myself before I ride my bicycle; a bitter and warm canned coffee will make a significant improvement to this day.

I wore a simple tee without putting much of a thought into it. However, that seems like a bad idea the moment I stepped a foot inside of the campus; I became the source of amusement to the high-borns who weren’t used to the view of bruises and bandages “ _Oh lord— has he gotten himself into a dog’s fights? Now of all times when he got to pair…_ ” I kept counting my steps **77** , **78** “ _Did you see his hand? Scratch that, look at his entire arm— I heard he is a part of you-know-where and that’s how he…_ ” **123, 124** , don’t listen to—…

I leaned forward because of the sudden weight on my back, and before I could react to it, a soothing voice made everything else cease to exist “Did you miss me? Dude, it’s so good to see you first thing in the morning, ehehe”

Connie leaned closer to my shoulder as soon as he felt my muscles easing up, smiling brightly when I lifted my head to have a better look at him; he was wearing his favourite snapback with an attitude that made the rest of the world seem irrelevant to him. On the other hand, I stood awkwardly in my spot, clueless as to the proper way to react to his ever-changing pace as our walk came to a halt and he started to speak with wide eyes “What happened to your hand!!!!! It is not something serious, right?”

He looked at me with determination evident in his eyes; he won’t make me get away without an answer this time “I was caught up in a fight”

We resumed our walk to the vending machine as he leaned on my shoulder once again, heaving a sigh on the process “I know it is self-defence, but you ought to be careful; it would be a real waste if I couldn’t see your great art for a while because of some spoiled shithead— I still look at the painting I stole from your sketchbook in high school until this day, you know?”

I had to stop on my track, baffled by the utter trust he demonstrates despite his knowledge of my father’s deeds and how much I resemble him with every passing year. How could he sustain his unwavering faith? “How could you be so sure it was self-defence? I could be the one who provoked them into it!”

A huge grin found its home on his face as he leant forward to look me in the eye “Because I just know! You won’t hurt a fly if it was up to you, my friend. I won’t underestimate these sharp eyes of mine if I were you”

He scratched the peak of his nose as he looked away, getting embarrassed by his statement the moment it left his mouth. Nevertheless, the wide grin remained on his face, making me avert my eyes away from its brightness as fear lurked into my bones. Despite all the logical and profound stories people told him about me, none of them succeeds in sparkling reasonable doubts on his mind; we weren’t even as close back in high school and I had a far worse reputation. I can’t help but wait for this trust’s bitter end while gritting my teeth and hoping to be wrong for once.

Our walk came to a halt when we reached the vending machine. Pure disgust was shown on his face when I offered the extra canned coffee I bought, making me laugh at the way his face twisted in the split second it took him to process the question “I could never understand why a person would torture himself by drinking such a bitter… _thing_ ”

I decided to save it for another time, handing him a sweet juice instead. His utter joy was painted well on his face as he took a sip from the cold bottle “As expected, no one knows me better than you”

We didn’t exchange any word after that as we resumed our walk down the hallway. Well, until Connie went into an outburst of shouting the minute his eyes fell on the wall clocks “I’M SCREWWWEED! Bye-bye, Akira. See you later. Damn it”

With a rushed hand wave, his silhouette faded into the crowd, taking off the switch that prevented the white noise from turning into distinctive words along with him “ _What an eyesore, I wish he’d die or fail miserably and gets kicked out_ ” I kept walking, knowing that their prayers were bound to be dismissed just like the dozens before them “ _I don’t know when does our university intend to stop this stupid program of dressing rats in our clothes—_ " I heaved a sigh as I was a few steps away from my lecture hall, repeating _switch gears Akira, switch gears_ to myself like I was some sort of broken radio on repeat— the only way to stop it is to shut the device for good; my reality was beyond repair with beautiful words at this point.

Being inside of lecture’s halls wasn’t much different from walking down the hallways, but I have the choice to sit at a spot remotely away from others and dive into my headspace until the noises die with the presence of the lecturer. I can put more work on the project now since this lecturer was known for arriving late at her lectures; I can start reading more and have presentable ideas since I don’t know when the next chance will present itself.

I started flipping through the pages of the books I decided to carry along _just in case_ , writing down the references in a notebook I dedicated a part of for this project; I am grateful that I was in a hopeful mood despite the better judgment of my shoulders back then. After finding the references, constructing the ideas I had to be more presentable wasn’t much of a toll later, until the lecturer showed up thirty-seven minutes later. I swallowed down my frustration, thinking about the enormous waste of time that would’ve become of those thirty-seven minutes if I hadn’t something I needed to do in my free time.

The lecturer made up for the lost time by breaking the lecture into more useful segments, making the most out of the remaining two hours. At this rate, we might be able to finish the course earlier than expected, providing me with a better chance to deal with the end-of-the-semester projects’ rush without doing so on the expense of working extra shifts.

However, she allowed us a break in the middle of the lecture, desiring to break the monotony that has taken over the students’ faces across the hall. I got the chance to check on Connie’s message then, but I couldn’t figure out a way for us to meet throughout the rest of the lecture as he asked for in his message; I have an appointment with Levi at the only time I would’ve been able to make time for the day.

> To: Connie.
> 
> Sorry, I've got a new project I have to work on with a partner. I promise to make it up to you as soon as I can.

I heaved a sigh as I pushed my desire to the side, pedalling my bicycle toward the construction site I made plans to work at today. The job is one of the hardest I’ve done here physically, but the one I enjoy mentally the most; I don’t have to interact with a lot of people as I have to focus more on the materialistic aspects of it. I became more in touch with the lines of my art thanks to the knowledge I gained by interacting with the materials on-site. I could even do better on my studies and projects thanks to the ideas I gain from the intense working environment here.

However, this job has its downsides the same as any other, which included a leader immune to the long hours of working under the burning sun, even being constantly injured under the unreasonable working conditions didn’t possess a shred of power against his everlasting energy.

“AKIIIIRAAAA” was the first thing welcoming me as I stepped a foot inside of the site. I bent my knees and took a step to the back to avoid being locked inside of his arm out of pure reflex “Everyone is acting so cold towards me— even my little sugar cupcake wrote you a letter, which she has never done for her loving father… not even for ONCE! Maybe I should start to learn how to paint as well...”

I tilted my head to the side, oblivious to whether this outburst of whining was out of something truly related to me or if this was one of those _doting father_ moments of his. However, I came to know the reason behind his words the moment he came back from the cabin with a letter that was made by a child; it was an appreciation letter from his six years old daughter directed to me.

I was baffled once again for the day, wondering about the right course of actions to take. I decided against my well to open the letter here as I saw the pure anticipation on the leader’s face. It was beaming with colours and the poor handwriting made it more endearing as it showed the effort the child placed on making it; she was thanking me for the story I made for her birthday, referring to me as the storyteller from the book I made.

I couldn’t sustain the smile from showing on my face as I felt warmness spreading throughout my chest; this was the best award I could ask for. Somehow, reading this made all of the running and sleepless night have a purpose, that the crippling fear that hunted my consciousness was a stepping stone as was everything else for me to help someone else. I could bring joy to another soul by providing some time and doing what I know the best, drawing.

However, I was pulled back to reality by the remark _you should smile more_ made by the mid-thirty leader. He went on about how it suits me more than the blank face I usually wear, which I jumped back to the moment he mentioned it as I placed the paper inside of its envelope, securing them inside of my notebook “AND here it comes again…”

The conversation seemed to arrive at its dead-end, so I decided to head for the cabin and change, but the leader spoke hesitantly the moment I gave him my back “No pressure, Akira... like TRULY you don’t need to if you didn’t have the time, but can you draw another story like that for my daughter? My wife says that the kid asks her to read the story every day before she drifts to slumber”

I scratched the discolouration on the base of my neck as I heaved a sigh; I can’t refuse him when he phrases it this way, not when I know how much effort he places into barely providing a roof over his family’s heads “I will try. However, I won’t be able to finish it as fast as I did for the other one, is that fine with you?”

A huge smile resided on his face, slipping a weird gleam into his orbits in the process “Of course, take your time. Thank you so much, Akira. This means the world to us”

When I confirmed he won’t need anything else, I walked toward the cabin where I changed my clothes and secured my bag in one of the locked cabinets. The weather is getting hotter, so I will melt if I wore the top side of the grey coverall uniform, so I let it loose and remained in my sleeveless shirt. 

The first part of the job required a lot of muscle work, moving the heavy bars and material’s bags from one place to the other for about an hour. If I were to finish it with high speed and efficiency, I could earn the opportunity to do my favourite part where I can be involved in the actual constructing. 

I managed to decrease my record into fifty minutes without making a mistake that would delay the process of the project that was halfway through its finishing line before I had the chance to get elevated. I had to position a few bars of metal and bags full of a variety of equipment before I got lifted without any sort of safety gears; employers often prefer to save a few coins rather than spending it for the wellbeing of those from the skirts.

The spring’s breeze sneaked into my skin as the world unfolded beneath my feet on this endless escalation; it feels almost like the owner of this project wants it to soar the sky. Despite the fact of how unusual it was to work at this height, the owner of this project paid them well to follow the blueprint precisely. I will have the opportunity to witness the shift of the basic lines into their touchable forms, as well as the creation of the artificial spider web of metals that vanishes behind the beautiful cover this team is supposed to paint on top.

I started watching the details with great care while keeping a sharp mind so I won’t disturb the pace of the rest of the team. That’s when I noticed the difference in the image I grew accustomed to. Curiosity took the best of me, so I walked carefully on the wooden stand that connected this side of the building to the main workspace where the leader is on the other side of the hole “Wasn’t the substance we decided to use instead of the cement strong enough already? Have you found something better when I wasn’t around?”

Every trace of playfulness left the leader’s face as he ordered everyone to take their hands off what they were holding, asking me with firmness about the reason behind my question. I did not delay my answer as I steadied myself against the strong current from the open space “The colour is slightly different and it doesn’t hold the metal bars at the blueprint’s precision”

He took another glance at the materials as he tried to calm himself, asking about the person that was assigned to the blinder today. A new face came to light, he seemed a bit older than me, but anyone could tell he was still wet behind the ears the moment he started rubbing his palms nervously, sweating worse than before. The leader showed him two plastic bags, and he pointed at the wrong one unknowingly as he couldn’t distinguish them from one another.

The leader took him along before he started shouting at one of the original team members; their voices slowly fading when the rest of us started to tend to our tasks since we don’t have time to waste before the materials dry off beyond repair.

The leader caught up to me as I started to do my proportion of the job, gratitude evident on his face “Thank you Akira, you saved us today. I’m grateful for those artistic eyes of yours; I can’t fathom the amount of trouble we would’ve been in if we left things as they were until tomorrow”

Showing gratitude wouldn’t be the only reason for him to stop me from doing more urgent matters, he started apologizing with a clenched fist “I would’ve liked to give you the remaining hour prepaid and let you go back to your studies, but as you see… we lack manpower as it is”

I heaved a sigh before I walked back to the other side of the building with great care “This is not charity work. I wouldn’t have accepted that offer either ways, so don’t beat yourself over it”

We resumed our tasks at a heightened pace, almost like the rest of us on the top couple of floors got doused with sugar. I tried to do my part, helping around while making suggestions to raise the pace and save some time as I stumbled upon an epiphany in the eye of the storm; we could start working on the draft sooner than I thought if Levi saw it fit on his side as well. I lost track of time as I got immersed in fixing the flaws, but the clock ticked to tell me that my time here was over; I need to get my payment and cycle back to my lecture. 

Tiredness started to get the best of me now that I was no longer on the sugar rush “Can I use the shower at the cabin?” I asked the leader, trying to hide fatigue from coming to the light. Nevertheless, the attempt took more energy than I had in me, leaking how wary I was to the energetic man who was about to show yet another sentimental gesture by patting me on the head.

I stepped to the back with pure reflex, guilt swelling inside of me slowly the moment I got to see the pained look on his face _You could never know what people hide, you can’t get attached to them_ I repeated to myself to justify my action before I hear his nervous laugh “Of course you can. I don’t understand why would you ask for permission every time”

I managed to position myself well under the hot shower, feeling its burning stream with pure joy as it relaxed my tensed muscles. I closed my eyes, allowing myself to slip into this fragment of peace as I started massaging the discolouration on the base of my neck from the heavy-weights I constantly strain it with.

I thought I would be able to get the best out of both of my lectures even if I worked between them, but I overestimated my focus span; I wasted three long hours of valuable information because of the desperate need for sleep. Nevertheless, I didn’t let those three hours go to complete waste as I shifted my focus into breaking down the epiphany I had earlier into words and distinct subjects. 

I headed toward one of the private facilities of the university, washing my face over and over again before I rested my palms on the edge of the sink. My worn-out shoes were the first thing to catch my eyes, reminding me to take a deep breath; I am working hard to breakthrough instead of indulging myself with the day-to-day trivia and these shoes alongside the rusty bicycle outside were evidence for that. I needed physical reminders when I wandered off my path, that’s why it’s hard for me to give up on them throughout the years.

I took yet another deep breath before I cycle toward the Café I met Levi at yesterday, ordering the least expensive meal to neutralize my system before it shuts down.

I waited by the window at the deepest part of the Café, waiting for Levi to show up after sending him a message earlier. I lit up a cigarette before I resumed my work, pouring every shred of focus that was left in my body to get through with the papers correctly; I didn’t notice the ruckus initiated by the presence of a certain Ackerman due to that.

He announced his arrival as he fixed his jacket before he took the seat across “I apologize for the delay. The streets were more occupied than usual for some reason”

The waitress came along, so I nodded in greeting as I positioned my plate “There is an auction that opens once a year, people would do anything to get their hands on the exotic merchandise there”

To my surprise, he clicked his tongue the moment I finished my explanation “Those scumbags and their annoying hobbies, tch”

I had to stop myself from staring, shifting my attention back to the meal I ordered earlier; genuine irritation was evident on his face, like those who were of a highborn and their life indulgences were of no relevance to him. I knew it wasn’t appropriate to eat by myself, so I handed him the brief I made for the idea I have been working on since the high noon “This is still a rough draft, barely anything, but I believe it is worth considering. Feel free to point any errors, or to refuse the idea as a whole if you deemed it unworthy”

I can feel my heart racing, but I hope I was able to maintain natural expression. There is still more to this idea, but I will leave it for after the approval.

We sat in silence for a few minutes, the sound of the papers and my swallowing were the only distinct sounds from the white noise. Until the manager approached us with irritation evident on his face after being summoned by a few customers; I am about to be escorted outside since I don’t belong here.

Cursing my naiveness, I started to prepare myself for what’s coming next. All it took me to forget what sort of society I jumped into was for one of them to treat me decently, and now I have put myself into a situation where I will have my worthless pride wounded needlessly. Yet, when the manager was a few tables away from us, Levi asked “Can we take this to my apartment? I can’t seem to focus amid this noise, and I don’t see a reason for us to put up with it any longer” 

When the manager reached our table, Levi raised a hand to dismiss him before he could speak. Did he do that on purpose? Or was it a pure coincidence? Nevertheless, I agreed to his suggestion, secretly relieved by the fact that I didn’t need to face the embarrassing situation walking towards us.

Levi went outside ahead of me as I paid for my food, leaving me astonished at the doorway of the Café as he turned on a fancy looking car; I believe it was a Mercedes-Benz that made an uproar at one of the auctions in the past.

I must’ve been staring at it longer than I thought as he asked with lingering annoyance “Do you plan to stand there the whole day?”

I pointed to the backside of the building “I will bring my bicycle and follow behind. Where is your house?”

He met my stoic way of speech with relaxed manners, leaning on the back of his car with crossed arms “It is very close, go and fetch your bike”

I gave him a questionable look but did as I was told, especially after the earlier inconvenience.

When I returned with the bicycle, he took it off my hands and braced it naturally on the back of his car; he wasn’t fazed by the mismatch between the rusty metal against the polished surface of his vehicle. Due to his one-sided action, I was able to have a better look at him. I could see the vibrant colours oozing off of him, colours that made me question my sight because they were very similar to the leader’s who has to protect the construction team and his small family; warm yet rough colours— the colours that comes after a long war. A thin line of dawn which breaks through the deep blueness of the night. 

I took the passenger seat, foreign to the feeling of the comfortable leather compared to the hard seat of my bicycle. I distracted myself from strange comfort by focusing on the interior details of the vehicle, barely resisting the persisting urge of turning them into lines on the paper.

As expected, Levi was living in one of the finest blocks on the luxurious side of Sina. I remember doing a bodyguard job here a few months ago, and I can’t shake the pale colours I’ve seen around here off my memory until this moment. The house design seems to be isolated by the gardens surrounding it as you can barely see any intertwining between this specific area and the rest of the neighbourhood. 

My phone buzzed in my pocket, indicating the arrival of a reply to the message I sent earlier:

> From: Dämmerung Chief.
> 
> You don’t have to show up at all today, the bartender is already here and you can use the day off after taking loads of extra shifts lately; you won’t do me good if you’ve got broken with overworking yourself.

Nevertheless, I will be going to check for myself after this meeting; I don’t plan to take charity money for the work I haven’t done. Levi brought my attention back to the living room when he asked me about what I want to drink, which I answered with _coffee_. I watched him go through some cabinets, whispering something to himself with a frown on his face. I thought it would be better to give him some privacy so I started roaming with my eyes through the rest of the open space. The two-story villa was very clean, almost to the point where there was no indication that someone was living here, except for the faint tea aroma that reveals itself once you start looking for it.

I looked back at the owner of the house when he asked whether I’d like some tea instead, genuine annoyance found home on his face when he told me there were no coffee beans left. I don’t prefer tea, but I couldn’t refuse his hospitality “No sugar, if you may”

The faint tea aroma became more distinct with every passing second, a lingering peace sneaking along as it brought a shadow from the past; a ghost of the old house with the tea garden next to it when sorrow and pain had no power over us just yet.

Without realizing, I drifted into those memories and surrendered to sleep at some point. The sun was shying away from the sky when I opened my eyes whereas I am laid at a stranger’s house shamelessly, a highborn nonetheless.

The notes and books I intended to show Levi after getting his approval on the brief I handed him earlier were organized accordingly next to one another. He lifted his orbits from the paper he was writing on when I shifted my position before he took a sip from his cup and resumed his work.

The nap wasn’t enough for my system to replenish its energy, I had to rub my face roughly to get it to function in the slightest. I sat on my knees, placing my palms on top of my thighs in apology “I am truly, sincerely, sorry for falling asleep when we should’ve been working on the project together. I don’t know how to make up for the wasted time, just name your request”

Remorse was eating me away; I showed weakness in front of a total stranger, on such a crucial timing nonetheless. The fact that I know my stoic face won’t reflect how I am feeling fed the guilt further. However, he paid it no heed as he simply commented on the notes I made “The notes were impressive; I knew exactly what you wanted to do with those ideas and which direction the project shall take. I can provide what’s lacking and we can agree on the balance between our majors in the process. **Let’s go for it** ”

I wanted to show confidence upon the compliment, but I was left speechless, stuttering at the unexpected acceptance “A-are you sure? We still have plenty of other subjects to work with” _subjects that would focus more on your major_.

He spoke words of truth, taking any room of argument or dwelling on my anxiety away “We should put the time we will waste on what-ifs and the sea of different subjects into making the draft, handing it earlier will earn us a better review”

I heaved a sigh before I asked for permission to use his bathroom. He told me its whereabouts as he informed me about the baseline we will start discussing when I come out. The bathroom was spacious, almost at the size of my bedroom, the water was filtered between hot and cold equally; I chose the freezing side of it, yet it didn’t possess the power to shake off the tiredness. The voices inside my head kept getting louder by the second. _what in the burning hell would you achieve by being vulnerable at someone else’s presence? One of the highborn who acts nicely toward you nonetheless? You don’t have the right to be lousy when everything else is crumbling around you at a rapid pace… not when you know what is at stake._ I washed my face again, trying to ease the frown between my eyebrows as I knew I can’t fight the voices back when they are stating facts.

I took a few breaths, trying to have a steadier rhythm before I take my earlier seat across from Levi “So, where should we begin?”

He corrected some of the wrong information I placed in the brief due to my lack of architectural knowledge. From there, we started to add a few more ideas and headlines to work individually on until next Sunday, four in the evening, at his house. I gathered the papers I will need to work on, placing them swiftly inside of my bag before I bid the Ackerman’s son goodbye with a promise of returning on the agreed time.

I said that I will stop by Dämmerung and check if I was needed, but I have to go home and have some rest; my inability to focus will hinder any idea of processing information or earning money tomorrow.

I pedalled my bicycle toward the Worker’s District as I tried to put my emotions on a leash, but the thought of trying to do what I dreamt of doing ever since I was still a student in Yalkell, to be met eye-to-eye for my skills rather than my last name or statues, still feels surreal. However, once I stepped a foot inside of the apartment with plans of sleeping and rising early to work double shifts, I was frozen in my place… powerless to turn around and run for my life. My blood ran cold as my heartbeats matched the loud thuds his feet made against the floor; his bloodthirst crippled my limbs and made me stand soulless, stripped of every strength I had as I started shaking because of the idea of what’s coming next.

He didn’t run, nor did he attempt to raise his pace once he saw me holding the doorknob of the apartment entrance. He walked slowly to my whereabouts as Mother shook behind him, resembling a withering leaf in the heart of autumn; he didn’t spare her a second glance, but she kept following him closely nevertheless. 

She outbroke into hysterical pleas for mercy as he came closer to me, clothes curled near the bruised arms from being pushed to the side; he refused every attempt she made to calm his rage before my arrival. There has been something that triggered him earlier, and she knew what it was… it must’ve been something grief for her to step outside of her painted box willingly. 

Against every defending mechanism I had, I found my body moving forward instead of escaping the darkening aura that swallowed the cramped space. He was more of a monster than he has been for years, and I can’t flee and leave my mother at his mercy when he is in this state. My tie came undone the moment I became within his reach as he attempted to rip my hair off of my head “If you weren’t going to get the family’s name glory back, you should’ve been born as a girl instead of disgusting me for knowing I’ve my blood running through a useless piece of trash!”

So the trigger had something to do with the military… I should’ve guessed. The Ishii family used to have an honourable long line of generals and high-ranked members of the forces, and he dreamed of retrieving that glory. He was close to achieving that dream but was denied of it the moment he received a fatal injury. However, he never gave up hope, believing that I will carry the flare as long as he grooms me into the fine soldier he once used to be.

I didn’t aspire to be involved with the bloodshed he used to breathe, and he understood that over time. He slammed me down to the floor with a single punch to my jaw, breaking the control I barely managed to muster as he kept kicking me with legs that weighed of steel against my bones. I tried to protect my skull from being permanently damaged with shivering arms, hiding my hands away so he won’t steal my ability to draw away once he notices how protective I am of it.

The roughing kicks ceased to satisfy his thirst with time, so he fed his pride by belittling me; he stepped on my centre slowly, making me feel like an insect that was bound to be stepped on and die in the dirt one day. Soon enough, he was fueled with superiority, so he decided to get down on his knees and satisfy his bloodthirst closely.

I took advantage of the split second it took him to switch positions, trying to hide the fear from leaking out as I looked toward the pale figure at the furthest corner from the scene “Mom, can you go ahead of me to my room? I'll be right there in a moment, hmm?”

As if she has some sort of switch, she got up from the floor and walked like an empty doll back to my room... I wanted to cry out loud, to scream for help from the deepest part of my heart, but sickness tasted stronger in my mouth because of how my body was shaking out of control; there was no shred of will in me to believe I ought to fight this back any longer. 

I waited for the pain to numb what’s left untacked from my body, curling up in a ball in the process, but nothing happened afterwards. I was incapable of moving my arms for a while, confused as to whether it was due to pain or fear at this point, so I tried to regulate my breaths once I noticed nothing was coming so far. 

Blood grew thicker within my veins, almost choking me as I tried to muster up some courage to peek between the forearms protecting my head where I saw the view of a wild beast dozing peacefully at the other end of the crack.; the swelling liver with alcohol abuse was moving up and down slowly as he drifted to sleep like he didn’t nearly drive someone to their bitter end seconds ago. 

I couldn’t regulate my breath after leaning on the shoe locker to support me standing on my feet, for what felt like fifteen minutes already. _ If I had to drag my feet behind me to get into my room, how am I supposed to do any sort of work tomorrow? Hell, how am I supposed to even pedal my bicycle to the university?  _ was all I could think of as I dragged my feet to my room. 

I started swallowing the lump that found itself a home inside of my throat as I walked closer to my mother who was sitting with a head stuffed between her knees to prevent any noise from sneaking into her consciousness.

I took a deep breath as I patted her on the head, trying to hide the shakiness in it as I wore the best smile that I could muster with my tight jaw from getting punched “It’s alright Mother, it's alright. Father and I just had men talk, you can go to sleep now. Everything is fine”

She looked up at me with glassy eyes, and it took everything in me not to break down “I will have to go back to your father then, can’t have him sleeping on his own”

The lump grew stiffer; I will have to hold the throned brush and keep colouring the painted box they made if I were to save her from the reality she dreads “H-he told me that he’ll have to go somewhere first, yeah! Drinking out with friends. You should sleep here with me like old times”

The last suggestion was enough to put a smile on her now excited face as she patted the space next to her. I tried to release a laugh, which came out as a muffled cry, before I came up with an excuse “I am not a small kid anymore, Mother. The bed won’t fit us both”

She pinched the bridge of my nose “Are you trying to play adult on me now? Ok, fine. Go and have a shower, you big boy”

With that being said, she drifted to sleep soon, as she was more drained than she knew because of the events she erased off her memory. I waited until I made sure her chest was going up and down before I covered her well with the blanket and headed to the bathroom— with the beast’s snore taking all over the space outside of my room.


	3. iii. Scar, rain, library.

I locked the door twice behind me in a poor attempt to keep the beast outside, fully aware of his ability to break through the wood as he has done plenty of times in the past. I tried to take a shaky breath before I held it to take my shoes off, feeling like I was tearing off every ligament in the process. 

The simple act of walking took a tremendous toll on my body, so I had to sit on the edge of the bathtub for at least thirty minutes, trying to take off every piece of clothes on me. I don’t think I have enough energy to be frustrated about the plans that went with the wind now that I barely could lift off my arm; how could I possibly make a living out of this damaged body now?

All I could muster was a breathy curse once I noticed the geography my skin turned into, the dark and faded old bruises got replenished by splashes of new spots that I will discover the pain behind very soon— especially the area near my pelvic.

I turned on the hot water, waiting for it to fill the bathtub as a bitter smile took over my face. I proved to myself yet once again how naïve I could be by believing things could turn out well, I should’ve known better than to lower my guards when my curse still runs through my veins hotter than hell’s fires... I should’ve known better.

Regret fueled other thoughts, provoking a cursed stream of other possibilities as I watched the water gradually filling the vacant space. Thoughts about how my life could’ve been if I was born into a different family was on the top, comes the idea of what could’ve happened if I was a bit stronger and bolder. If I was fearless to the bloodthirst that cribbles me every time? If the warm and rough hand of my childhood hadn’t turned into the thin line between me and death? If and more ifs until my body decided to escape the deadly stream of thoughts by touching the scar on my right palm… I need to stop this stream of thoughts; being caught up in one would only result in trapping myself into the doomed imaginary box, unable to face reality any longer. 

**_A year after nearly getting killed by the man I call Father, I returned home, carrying the world’s weight on my shoulders like I was a son of Atlus; I faced injustice at an odd job, sent back empty-handed for simply standing up for myself. I was supposed to return to a place I call home, a place to shake off the weights of the world and have a peace of mind, even if it was temporary. However, the haven was shattered long ago, and all that’s left of it was the flames of hell, hungry to devour what lay ahead._ **

**_Father was standing all high and mighty, holding the bottle upside down, indicating his need of having a new one. I felt firm fingers clutching on my throat, holding me back from uttering a word as he stepped closer. A playful smirk played on the tip of his mouth, almost as if my attempts to escape were nothing but a comedy show for him; he was waiting for my face to become desperate once I realised I hit the cold surface with nowhere to run to anymore._ **

**_He placed his hand on top of my head, speaking with alcohol-stinging breaths “Where is my drink, my good son?”_ **

**_I was bound to get to hell and back by the pain he will inflict in me anyway, I might as well keep the shred of pride I still have got left “If you wish to kill yourself so badly, go ahead and buy yourself drinks with your OWN money. I am not going to be responsible for your slow death any—...”_ **

**_My words were cut short by the sound of shattering glass and a sharp edge dancing at the tip of my neck, followed by loud laughter. However, I kept on drawing breaths, and the sting on my neck was the extent of the pain._ **

**_I opened my eyes once again to see what laid ahead, his anger was contained within his orbits as he kept the playful facade perfectly on his face “Oh dear son. You have bound to live a long and slow life. I don’t plan to departure any time soon, and I don’t plan to say goodbye to my blood first; you will need more than baseless boldness to get me to end you”_ **

**_He dragged me by the hair into his room, making me do a handstand while doing perfect upside-down push-ups, otherwise, I will fall on the floor filled with scattered shards of glasses “But such behaviours shouldn’t be left unstraightened; a soldier needs discipline above all”_ **

**_On days when he is not drunk beyond sensible, he would make me follow through his military regime. The one I am doing now would start with upside-down push-ups, then he would suddenly hit one of my hands to check for my reflexes. If I don’t respond fast enough, I would end up with strain shoulders by the end of the day, sometimes with shards of glass so big that I would need stitches. He especially uses this training when he notices how tired I am; I won’t have the strength to shift my weight from one hand to the other even if I managed to focus better._ **

**_It kept on going until I saw a ghost of satisfaction on his face an hour later; he released me back to my room with a few open wounds and a bruised shoulder. I kept everything buried deep inside of my chest as I tried to hide under the covers, failing to sleep my sorrows away as questions hammered me down: Why do I have to be the only one with so many burdens? Am I fated to carry this weight on my shoulders until I wither and die?_ **

**_I fell asleep at some point, only to be pulled back from nightmares by Mother’s gentle voice calling me from the other side of the door “Apple of my eye, it’s time for school. You need to wake up”_ **

**_I opened my eyes to witness the ruins that became of my room; he was calmer than usual last night because he already vented his anger on the house, and his wife can’t put back what was scattered._ **

**_Well, neither do I. That’s it, this was the straw that broke the camel’s back._ **

**_I stormed out of the room, careless to the pain I felt on the base of my foot as I held my mother’s face so she won’t be able to escape facing reality any longer._ **

**_I started speaking after looking into her confused orbits, telling myself that I have to do this for both of our sakes— that I can’t let love blind me the way it did to her; I can’t get weak now “I am begging you, Mother. Open your eyes! We are not like normal families, and we will never be no matter how much effort you put into making everything look normal. THIS could never be something that happens in a normal household”_ **

**_I swallowed the lump that started to block my voice, pointing at my fresh wounds “I am tired, mom. I am so tired of running with all of my strength, afraid of getting caught by the unknown while chasing something that could be nothing but a mirage. P-please, mom. Spare me and open your eyes— the man you loved and held close to your heart no longer exists; he died in the war and what returned to us is nothing but a shadow of what once was a man. That won’t change even if you averted your eyes, this man isn’t worthy of your l-love, open your eyes for god’s sake”_ **

**_The warm liquid of her tears was her sole reaction to what I said, she couldn’t meet me in the eye as she lowered her head. I felt my heart sink deep into my stomach when she lifted her head, staring into my soul; I felt like I existed in her world for the first time in years, not a mere shell of what could have been “I— what have I done? I am sorry, Akira. I am so sorry, apple of my eye… my poor little Aki”_ **

**_Now her hands were on the side of my face, caressing my cheeks gently as sorrow filled her orbits “Have you been suffering all this time on your own? My love, I am sorry for being a coward who only knows how to run and hide on her own”_ **

**_Tears filled my eyes as well. All of the loneliness I have felt for years, crept to the light from as my armour crumpled down. However, a sudden shudder ran through my spine the moment she walked away as my grip loosened over her; something was wrong!_ **

**_I could only hear murmurs out of her mouth as something terrifying took over her shoulders “I am sorry for not being a good mother. I failed as a parent and a wife— if only I had stopped him from sinking deeper into the abyss of his soul. If only I had tried a bit harder… oh god! It is all my fault”_ **

**_My body froze, unable to act upon the berserk soul that broke out of my kind-souled mother. Words ceased to come out of her mouth as she grabbed a knife that was sitting on the far edge of the kitchen “I am sorry, Akira. I wasn’t capable of protecting you. I didn’t save you when he nearly killed you once because I failed to pull him out of the abyss he fell into. I am sorry, forgive me. I am sorry… I love you”_ **

**_She raised the knife in the air, ready to stab herself if I didn’t jump and let my body move on its instinct._ **

**_My hand was stretched into her chest, getting stabbed in the palm of my dominant hand right before the blade touches her skin “LET ME DO IT! Why would you save me when I abandoned you when you needed me the most! I am unworthy of being saved”_ **

**_She reached the end of her power as she fell immediately after repeating how unworthy she was; she was too fragile to face reality and I pushed her beyond her limits, unable to say a word of comfort with this dry mouth._ **

**_I held her with one hand so I wouldn't stain her with my blood before we fell to the floor, guilt slowly eating me alive as I fought back the tears while holding her close “We are going to be fine, everything will be fine. Shush, shush, you did nothing wrong. We are going to be fine. Nothing is wrong, this is only a bad dream you are going to forget when you wake up. It's my fault, not yours, I am sorry that I drove you into a corner”_ **

The hot liquid on the side of my thigh pulled me out of my thoughts, so I allowed my body to rest into it, releasing a whimper as the places he kicked hurt so much by the simple graze of the water. Nevertheless, staying in the present didn’t seem any better so I allowed my mind to wander back to that memory as I looked at the long scar on the palm of my right hand. Things haven't changed much from back then, huh? It is almost laughable how I am still unable to brush the anxiety I had back then even when I am allegedly steadying my footing on the path I choose.

When the tension in my muscles lessened, I held my breath as I dived underwater. My chest kept getting tighter with every passing second, and the lack of oxygen seemed tempting as I felt my lungs burning with the lack of it. I tried to stay longer, but my body moved on its own to the surface, gasping desperately for air.

My throat hurt and my vision blurred; getting punished by my body for trying to abandon it seemed fitting. A breathless laugh found its way out of my mouth as I rested my head on the wall behind me “Guess that’s what I get for holding into someone selfishly, I am doomed for long life, indeed. Tch”

Soon after, I decided to end my comfort before I passed out due to the hot steam, rubbing my body dry so I won’t disturb the quietness of the apartment with the drip-drop sound. I couldn’t put any fabrics over my wounds, and so I walked around only in my boxers until I touched the doorknob of my room and only then did I realise something; _my first aid-kit was in my backpack!_

The idea of going back to that entranceway made my legs grow weaker, but these wounds won’t heal on their own. I tip-toed my way through the cramped space, putting a hand over my mouth so I won’t breathe aloud and wake the laying beast as I lifted a leg on top of him to cross to the other side.

I locked the door of my room behind me, searching through the bag to see that I’ve got only a few painkillers left. I was too occupied with saving money to notice how bad this month has been so far, if I didn’t buy a new first aid kit on the way back from Levi’s house on a whim, I wouldn’t have found anything to minimize the damage that drunkard did.

The shattered mirror on the wall was all the aid I needed to see what I could from my back, as much as the strain in my muscle would allow anyway. The skin on my cheekbone had its fair share of abuse as well, almost gotten turned-out under the impact of his punch, even when his strength has withered with liquor and sickness. 

I rubbed a pain-reliever on the parts that looked bruised the worst, biting my lips so I won’t wake my mother with the involuntary whimpers of pain as it felt like embers were thrown all over my body. I wrapped a huge bandage around my torso to cover all of the reopened wounds, hoping that the old lady’s herbs would be sufficient to treat them this time; it is still a wonder how there aren't any broken bones yet under these ugly coloured spots. Then, I wrapped another bandage around my right hand as well, thinking how that incident from the past could’ve been a blessing in disguise; I would’ve gone mad if I lost my ability to use my dominant hand now when I barely have the time to train my other hand unlike how free I was in high school when it happened. 

Morning came sooner than I wished, cutting the blackness that devoured my senses short. Sourness made a home out of my body during my slumber, and the sun hadn’t set itself above the horizon. However, that didn’t stop my mother from filling the house with the smell of her cooking. 

I inhaled deeply and withheld it as I rose from the futon, trying to prevent the pain temporarily before it rushed back in one go; I felt like my head was on the verge of exploding. I found a feast fitting for kings and queens waiting outside, a constant deed of my mother’s subconscious to apologize for her incapability to make a change after every major fight. I have to swallow the bitterness and act along, pretending that nothing happened even if it made me feel sick to the pits of my stomach.

She turned around with a dazzling smile as she noticed my presence on the chair behind her, questioning whether she was the reason behind my early rising. I answered her question with another “Indeed it is still early. Why did you wake up when you still look so tired?”

A fond giggle left her throat as she looked at the main bedroom “I needed to answer the call of nature and guess what happened? I found your father sleeping soundly on the entranceway! It took me forever to wake him up and force him to eat something before he drifted back to sleep in our bed”

Trying not to dwell on the look on her eyes, I heaved a sigh as I tried to calculate the times she could’ve woken up at to do all of the things she has done so far. However, she opened the oven and started showing me what she spent her morning baking “Anyways, I made your favourite strawberry tart with your beloved dark coffee, apple of my eye” 

What existed in front of her was the silhouette of my ten years old self, so realising that I can’t savour the taste of sweet foods anymore was like hoping for the dead to rise into the living once again “I will eat it later if you promised to go back to sleep and let me go to the flower shop instead. You can tend to the bakery shop after a good nap, hmm?”

She tried to touch my cheek, but I pulled back before our skins touched. The pain was evident in her pure orbits, but she should at least handle this much when she could remember; I can’t lower my guards anymore than I already did “I am sorry, I forgot you grew to hate being touched. Fine, you’ve got yourself a deal” 

She looked at me expectantly, anticipating the fruit of her love and hard work to get savoured with the same amount of love. I tried to dive into my memories, to remember the colours I used to see when it was the strawberry season at our little farm when I was a child, to remember the comfortable tea aroma and how pleasing it used to be before all of that happiness became sickening. I gulped the tart at the speed of lightning, waiting for her to ruffle my hair as she always did before she headed back to her room and locked it with extreme cautiousness.

When I made sure she couldn’t see me anymore, I drank a big and burning sip from the black coffee she made to wash down the sweetness of the tart before nausea forces me to throw up… I planned to savour the coffee, but I am left with a tongue that ceased to differentiate the taste of food for a while.

Even though I couldn’t enjoy the emptiness of sleep earlier, I could finally have some peaceful moments now as the comfortable silence engulfed the air. The warmth of the coffee mug was pleasing, making this temporary moment of stillness feel real and not a fragment of a dream I’d usually have to keep my sanity from being shattered. I ate what I needed from the feast ahead, nurturing my body enough to get ready for the work I would need to finish instead of my mother. 

I don’t know if the sudden shower was the reason for the chill in the air outside or if I feel colder because of my tiredness, but the rain surely painted the sky in a gloomy shade of grey that will dishearten people from passing by the flower shop. I had one last clean sketch in my possession, and I suppose I would be able to work on the art-book I promised the leader sooner than I thought; I could at least finish the front page during this shift. 

The flower shop was close by, so I managed to enjoy the few raindrops without dirtying my bag. The florist’s old face stiffened the moment her eyes fell on me, ignoring the entranceway she was fixing so she could spit her venomous words “Have you done something to your mother? Or did that godforsaken sinner finally lost it and harmed that poor soul beyond repair this time!”

I paid her no heed as I wore the apron my mother usually wears on this shift, but that wasn’t nearly enough to stop her from carrying on with her useless rumbling “The Lord will punish the two of you one day. Bad deeds follow sinners until their punishment is delivered, just wait for it”

With that being said, she left the store for me to tend to, making sure to send a hateful stare my way before she fades into the crowd. _Well, good morning to you too._

The light drip-drops of the rain got heavier, bouncing off the paved roads. There weren’t any customers, so I took my tools out and started tapping the pencil against the table... I used Connie and Sasha as the main characters for the story last time, I could use Kuroo and his childhood friend as a reference for this one? Hmm.

I drew an old man on a wooden chair with an enormous book on his lap, sitting in front of a fireplace as its warmth spread into the cottage; I should follow the same concept I initiated the art-book with last time. I flipped the page and paused for a moment, wondering about the way I should start this story. I let my eyes roam around, trying to draw inspiration from the outer world. People walked fast to their odd jobs, too afraid of getting replaced the moment they make the simple mistake of being late. The sound of the rain against the glass windows, the blueness of the sky and everything else made me take a deep breath, attempting to swallow everything with that breath, hopeful to give the child a picture which differs from hers; it's rare to have rain where she lives and the sickening dust that covers the horizon makes it hard to enjoy the rare chance when it falls. 

I grabbed the tools with my right hand, drawing the basic lines of the buildings and alleyways where the story will take place. The story starts inside of an alleyway where the heavy rain made a few ponds on the floor, reflecting the tall buildings on each one of them. 

I was too immersed in the world of the story, failing to notice the throbbing pain which spread through my bandaged hand until I got pulled back to reality by the bell announcing the arrival of a new customer. I closed the sketchbook and hid it under the counter as I bowed respectfully to the customer“ Welcome to out flowery. How may I help you?”

Instead of receiving a request, I heard a lingering surprise in the voice of the man who called my name. His tone wasn’t foreign to my ears, but I couldn’t place memory to the face I saw, not until he started speaking again “Man, you still look like shit. You still have that short temper of yours and fight like dogs, huh?”

He had a distinct way of stressing the end of his sentences, he would usually do the talking during the jobs we were assigned to by the plumbing company I used to work for once. I didn’t last in that job for long because of the regular fights I had with my father back then; he would lose his temper over the bruises I received during my deliveries to Stohess. The rich customer didn’t want someone _who_ _fights like cats and dogs_ , so she told the person who hired me to either choose her or me; the outcomes were obvious.

I didn’t like conversing with this person much even back then, but I can’t ignore him now when he is a customer, so I shifted the course of the conversation “You look better yourself. Have you confessed to the person you love yet?”

A smile played on his mouth as he tried to hide the heavy blush that burned his face, the same way it did when he spoke over and over about a certain girl with freckles that he wanted to kiss so bad whenever we cleaned the pool by ourselves “Y-yes, I did. We plan to take the vows very soon”

Which means he came here in this heavy rain because he plans to give her those flowers “Do you have something in mind, or do you want me to arrange a bouquet for her?”

With a delighted smile and overly familiar behaviours, he asked me to arrange one for him since I knew about their relationship better than anyone else. I made him one made of Calico Aster, Azalea and Baby's Breath , the bouquet was white with the pinkish redness spreading through it from the Azalea “Here”

He looked at the bouquet with mesmerization, trying to get reassurance by asking a stranger whether his soon-to-be wife would like it or not; anxiousness evident in his tone “You know her better, I can’t give you a definite answer”

strangely enough, an even wider smile took over his face; so radiant that it almost lightened up the gloominess of the rain outside “Thank you so much, Akira. You don’t know how much this means to me”

He left the shop, leaving me confused about the reason for his sudden gratitude. I didn’t dwell much on it though, jumping once again into the world of the story as I took the sketchbook out of the counter.

The old florist came back an hour earlier than the agreement’s date. By then, I was able to finish the rough shape of the main page and give the story a proper headline alongside another two sidelines since there weren't many customers to serve. The sky hasn’t lit up the slightest, and the woman’s face showed even more ominous feeling as she seemed on the verge of losing control over her temper. She walked toward the register machine with hands held behind her back, counting the money as she eyed the flowers to see if I stole anything.

After a while, she fixed her posture and stared back at me with a deadly glare as she counted the money over and over again “You sure as hell didn’t sell any of the expensive flowers and chose rather the ones that barely cost a dime!”

I met her rage with a nonchalant tone, deciding for a long time to do everything in my power not to line up with those rich pigs in rubbing the poor for the basic desire to belong “I just gave them what they asked for. This is a working-class area, of course, most of the customers won't waste their blood on expensive roses”

She pointed her finger at me as the hell’s fury engulfed her eyes; something caused it before her arrival, and she seems to be under the impression that I would be her punching bag “You sneaky son of a bitch, you think I’m able to run a business on empathy here? If they came all the way to this flowery on this kind of weather, it means they are willing to pay the cost, no matter what it was! I’ve done my fair share of charity by letting your mother work here just for a few hours and paying her more than she deserves!”

I felt anger swelling inside of me like a snake, so I towered over her with barely any space between us “You say charity? Listen to me you old hag: the only reason you even have this flowery on its feet is due to her detection. You barely pay her the minimum hourly wage while you go off to whatever godforsaken corner so keep your crap inside of your own ass because I promise you that even her passion won’t suffice to leave her in this shithole of yours, you hear me?” 

She looked taken back by my words, all the fury from before turned into pure confusion as I bowed and asked with a polite tone “You don’t need me to watch over the place anymore, right?”

She shook her head at the speed of light, leaving me to fold the apron the same way I found it before I took my leave out of this place.

The rain got lighter compared to earlier, but I rested the hood over my head as I pulled the bag closer to my chest, shielding it with my body as I started to pedal my way into the university. I know that my torso will kill me the moment I stop pressuring it with this pose, even a whole pack of painkillers won’t stop it from throbbing painfully later, but I won’t reach the campus as soon as I need if I took a break every couple of seconds to take a breath.

The pain increased gradually as I strained my centre more, but I knew better than to stop and soothe it before I reached my destination; it would be simply crueller to put it through this pain all over again when I have no intention to stop after the break.

I hopped off the bicycle after nearly twenty-five minutes of pedalling, parking it at the usual spot behind the campus. I took out the painkillers and gulped three of them at one go as I lent on the wall nearby, I could barely take a proper breath as I felt every cell within my body craving proper oxygen; like they were incapable of stretching properly once again when I bent down for so long.

I closed my eyes to rhyme my breath with the rain, feeling more at ease now that the painkillers started to take effect. When I opened them, I found one of the prettiest views ahead. The huge trees were wet with dew and the grey marble floor of the campus’ open space was wiped clean, reflecting everything like a mirror.

I inhaled deeply as I closed one eye, turning my fingers into a frame so I could carve the view into my head; being able to enjoy a view without the need to rush somewhere was a rare occurrence, I had to savour as much as I could from it.

I ran toward my lecture’s building, wiping out the raindrops that got stuck to my coat. The weather was less cold within the walls of the building so I took off the hood over my head, counting my steps audibly toward the smoking area so I won’t be drifted toward the unwanted attention these bandages attracted.

I rested my back against the wall the moment I reached my destination, allowing my senses to wander around the nice view of the dancing raindrops against the dark marble floor ahead. There were only two cigarettes left in this packet— nicotine has the ability to get my mind off the physical pain, off the aftertaste of weakness, in a strange way that I couldn’t fathom but found myself craving it every time nevertheless.

I lighted the first one and inhaled a long smoky breath, feeling it burns my airways as I held it a bit longer before I let it go, watching it emerging with the grey sky on top of the rainy world. I took another long breath and before I knew it, I already finished the second cigarette as well.

I tossed the pack inside the trash can before I walk back inside the building; only seventeen minutes left to the start of my lecture. 

Eight hours went by with nothing but sitting for the greatest part of them, sprinting through the hallways between one hall and the other. There was one last plan I could keep from the wreckage my father made of my day last night, I still could head toward the library and finish the greatest part of the assignments I have alongside my part of the project.

One of the perks of being part of a luxurious educational facility is the freedom of usage; I could use any of its facilities for all the time in the world and no one would breathe my way; I studied multiple important courses with the books here because I couldn’t afford to buy the expensive books they require. With that in mind, I gathered a huge bail of books and sat on one of the furthest computers the library provides so I won’t be bothered by spoiled brats since this was the only spot I could be at peace; the truth of being an outsider wasn’t rubbed into my face constantly at every possible chance. 

I started working on one subject at a time, writing down the important parts since it was another that I couldn’t afford its unreasonable price. All while working on an essay for another related subject; being able to multitask is a blessing that I wouldn’t have been able to survive Sina without.

I kept going on like that for quite some time, I would usually take a break to look at the library’s interior design so I won’t burn out faster than I needed; the fine detail behind every corner helps me to calm down no matter how much tension I built down my core. The huge shelves harboured one of the rarest books, the ceil went so high that it feels as it would soar into a different world the more you walked under it. The wood smelled fresh despite holding into its antique colour… every little detail was thought with great care, without being overdone in any of its corners.

my phone buzzed, announcing the arrival of an apologizing message from Connie; he won’t be able to show up tomorrow either. His parents started to maintain a suffocating watch over him, hounding him against any chance of going astray from fulfilling their name of raising into the social ladder by having their only child marry into a well-chosen wealthier family. So chances like yesterday, to spend the night over at his girlfriend’s family mansion were rare, and her family made him feel at home— one of the rarest wealthy families that don’t aspire to step on their children to rise higher in the world.

Maybe this was for the best, maybe we shouldn’t meet as often because of how much of a defensive scumbag I become after every major fight I have with my father. Him spending time with Sasha and her family seems fair, much more suitable than to spend it around the graveyard of his family’s ambition. 

As I started to return the books where they belong, a girl approached me. She was wearing an uncomfortably tight leather with an exceedingly done makeup, with a strong perfume that gave me nausea as she leant closer to me “I heard that you are really good at giving private tuition, I’m prepared to do anything so I won’t fail Accounting for the second time… would you help a girl out?”

Economic students, mostly, come for me when no one is around so I’d give them private tuition; they usually pay me a hefty price so I won’t ruin their reputation since most of them cussed me, the lowlife scum, out in the open when they had company.

I opened my palm after putting back one of the books on its shelf, agreeing to her request as I stepped back from the strong smell of her perfume “Ok, I will help. However, you have to pay for it in advance”

She fixed her posture, getting her body away from mine as she stared at me with wide eyes “Y-you mean… right now?”

I looked at the spine of the next book in my hand, losing interest in this conversation “If you don’t have your wallet on you, better not waste either of our times then”

Not until I saw the look on her face that I realised the reason behind her earlier fluster; she meant another type of _payment_ by her suggestion— like we were basic animals.

I could hear her scatter the contents of her purse as I walked away from her, and she was standing in front of me once again not long after with a larger sum of money than what I would’ve asked for… almost like it was an insignificant object to toss around, tsk. Since she was willing to pay, I had no reason to refuse her, so I asked her whether she’d like to session to be held here or at a nearby Café, but she chooses the former; people usually escape the campus to not be seen around me, but she must’ve felt comfortable in how deserted this place was at this hour of the day.

It barely took me an hour and something to finish the midterm course for her. It could’ve been less, but her basics were even worse than she elaborated earlier. She looked at me with beaming eyes “Your lessons are far easier than any professor I’ve ever studied under”

For some reason, she decided to invade my personal space once again, stuffing her suffocated breast more into my arm as she asked with an annoying tone “Can you please lend me your notes? I will forget most of these later on”

Is this some sort of challenge? There is no other reason for her to attempt getting me out of here unless she had so much time on her hands and decided to make a bet with a friend of hers “I can give it to you, now”

I paused for a moment before I repeated the same gesture from earlier, asking her to pay for the notes if she wanted them and if she was able to hide her disappointment earlier, she couldn’t back any longer as she stormed out of the desk we sat on with _Who do you think you are!_ Maybe I should’ve withheld my bitterness and went with the flow to get extra money instead of wounding her pride that way; I’ve already gained more than half of the money I would’ve done today if I went along with my plans.

8 o’clock soon will strike the clock, and I can show up earlier for once at the fancy restaurant. The library was on the other side of the entrance, but the campus was deserted, I could hum to a jazzy melody I constantly hear at Dämmerung lately without feeling the need to escape the stress of being watched by counting. I felt like a weight had left my shoulders when I didn’t walk empty-handed. I can’t wait for the day when I could break free from this loan’s clutch without cursing the naïveness of my weak and young self.

I reached Dämmerung without straining myself, realising that I was here earlier than I thought since the back door was locked… When was the last time I managed to make it here before the old man? I placed my bag on my bicycle as I rested my back on the boxes, looking at the paintings on the wall under the twilight light. This painting with the sole reason I could’ve been accepted into such a good work spot.

**_My hard work paid off after so long, allowing me to believe I could start anew away from everything I had to endure for this day, to believe that hard work could truly be the answer against all the odds; I received the scholarship acceptance letter for the double majors I applied to after spitting blood to get. However, I came to learn about the pits of hell I jumped onto at the same time, cuffed back to where I came from because of the loan I signed off right before receiving that acceptance letter._ **

**_The earth didn’t stop spinning and the universe moved forward just fine, careless to the split second it took for my world to crumble apart. I needed an outlet, somewhere far away from this shell of a home, so I kept walking forward to wherever my legs led me. I went down dangerous and damp alleyways, provoking people into raising their fists without fighting back so the pain could take over my desire to fall on my knees and weep._ **

**_I never stopped walking forward, stumbling and falling because of the fresh wounds, until I smelled a nice not fitted aroma for the narrow alleyway it filled. I followed it to an ajar door, hiding a remodelling site. Cans of paintings and coloured sprays were left unattended at the backside of the door that had a small ‘Dämmerung’ written on a wooden plate. Feeling my breaths getting shallower, tears threatening to fall now that the pain has slowly worn off, I grabbed the brush on a whim and started painting over the dull lines, creating something befitting for the shift of the day and light twilight meant._ **

**_I forgot my surroundings into the painting I made until blinding light hurt the side of my eyes with the silhouette of a military superior standing between us. I knew I was doomed the moment I saw the stern look on his face, but I couldn’t care less about the outcomes as he grabbed the collar of my shirt, asking me with a piercing look about the reason behind lurking around his place like a rat. Too tired to answer, I pointed at the wall I was working on for a while now with fingers messed up with several colours._ **

**_His grip loosened over my collar, it was my window to run. However, I will have to ruin my hard work to escape from the back. My stillness didn’t go unnoticed by the old man as he asked with irritation evident in his tone “Why didn’t you run away? You know how bad it ends for children who get caught by the military forces after a call for breaking the law, right?”_ **

**_I heaved a sigh, stating facts without trying to seize the opportunity and make a way out for myself “Doing so would ruin the wet painting I worked hard to fix. You should hire someone else to do the work; that person’s work will wear off in less than a year”_ **

**_A burst of loud and heartfelt laughter echoed through the narrow alleyway. He fixed the shirt’s collar as he made an unexpected offer_ ** **_"You have a good talent, kiddo. Would you be interested in helping me out with renewing the inner construction as well? I'll pay you for it of course"_ **

**_I clenched my fists, trying my best to ignore the warning voice at the back of my mind by brushing it off with the thought 'what else do you have to lose?' "When should I start?"_ **

**_He opened the door behind him as he stepped on his cigarette to turn it off, stating with a smile "the sooner, the better"_ **

**_Two weeks soon passed by. I spent the greater part of them working relentlessly on fixing this place, sleeping over at the room in the back when I stayed too late; the old man insisted that the streets are too dangerous at night for teenagers to roam even when he saw me covered in bruises and blood-stained bandages often._ **

**_Other than the reconstruction work, I’d help with replenishing old pieces of art while working on the walls. Everything I’ve done so far was professional, yet, he asked me to do personal work for him out of the blue one day when he learned I could draw with both hands. I was working in the bar area when he came with a bowl of soup he offered often since I started spending more time here “How about you try and make a portrait?”_ **

**_I devoured the contents of the bowl, tilting my head to the side in confusion “For you?”_ **

**_A faded picture was in his hand as he waited for me to finish the last drop inside of my bowl before he corrected me “No, for this person. Can you?”_ **

**_I wiped my hand in my pants before I took the picture, it was an old picture that went through a lot judging by the white lines and dusty layers that nearly devoured most of the woman’s details. Nevertheless, the woman was flawless despite all of those flaws, so beautiful that it was nearly impossible to believe this was taken by normal cameras. Her eyes were as clear as the sky and she had a smile so contagious that I found myself smiling as well “A-are you sure? I don’t t-think I can do this person… justice”_ **

**_I clinched one of my fists, following the earlier statement by a more confident one “But if you were fine with it, I want to do the portrait”_ **

**_I worked on the portrait at every available chance, sacrificing sleep as I had to work during the day for the old man while looking for other hourly-paid works beside the construction work I stumbled upon before the deadline of the loan’s sharks._ **

**_I knew that I couldn’t live the victim for so long, I can minimize the damage this way before the start of the new semester; the debt collectors won’t have a reason to make a scene if they got their money on the time they set and the university won’t know about it otherwise._ **

**_I was able to finish it a few days later. I skipped the stairs down to the wine cellar; this place made the frosting weather outside appears to be merciful. I knocked on the door rapidly, trying to cut my stay here short “Sir, sir!”_ **

**_He was savouring one of the wines before I interrupted him, so he placed it once again inside of its spot before he opened the door… I can’t understand how he could still be alive after staying there for so long “I finished the portrait, would you like to take a look”_ **

**_He waited for me to lead the way, leaving my anxiousness to pry on me as we stepped closer to the place I left the portrait at. He was the second person to show interest in my drawing after Connie, but showing him the fruit of my relentless work was pure terror as he never accepted to watch the process and correct me even once._**

**_I’m not sure whether I saw a hint of an overwhelmed feeling taking over his composed face, or if it was a figment of my imagination because of my anticipation. Nevertheless, I clarified the critic he might have as I handed the picture back to him “There were some vague details in the original picture, so I apologize in advance if I messed up anything. Please, tell me if you wanted anything differently; I could probably still fix it”_ **

**_He stayed still for a while, staring at the portrait as his mind drifted to a different place. His composed face was back on as he placed the portrait so gently on the floor; almost as if it was made of glass “Would you like to work for me when I re-open this place, kiddo?”_ **

**_This offer was too good to be true… I had to look at the downside of it before it hit me hard when I’m the least guarded— the last month was already too good to be true, to the point of questioning my sanity; I could be imagining all of this to escape reality just like my mother. I mean, why would someone with such a nice place in one of the finest spots on Sina hire someone like me? Yes, he didn’t have anything to risk since it was only me and him. He didn’t strike me as a naïve person, there is no way he wouldn’t know the sorts of complaints he’d get the moment he hires a peasant who looked like he came straight out of Stohess and who would blame them though? I was covered in bruises from head to toe, dark bloodstains on my loose bandages the first time I met him… I don't even look all that graceful this moment either and probably will still appear the same in the future._ **

**_He placed a hand on my head as I got lost in my thoughts. He inhaled a long breath from the cigarette on his other hand “I don’t care about what goes on behind these walls. So as long as you serve the customer with your 110%, you will always have a place here”_ **

**_I tried to protest, but words were caught up in my throat. The confusion turned into fear, festering on my wounds as I felt suffocated by the thought of the unknown the future held. I know for a fact that I need the money and this was the only way to survive the sinking ship since I can’t get a respectful job as I am just yet but, I can’t risk staying hanged by a thread of false hope until I crush down so I swallowed my feelings “You know the customers won’t be pleased the slightest to see someone like me serving them, right? Are you sure you want to have such complaints the moment you reopen your place, sir?"_ **

**_He smiled, still patting my head as he said “This is my place, so my word is the only absolute command. Can you promise me to serve the customers well, or not?”_ **

**_There were no more reasons to refuse this offer, so I bowed and accepted with a professional tone that I still got a long way to master “I promise to do my utmost as long as I’m working under this roof. I won’t betray your offer, sir"_ **

**_We went back to an office at the end of the restaurant’s floor, he never allowed me here before but it was a rather ordinary room with huge shelves filled with antique books and ancient scrolls. Nevertheless, an imposing feeling sinks deeper the longer you stay within its walls; like its owner._ **

**_He took some papers to sign since this would a real job with monthly payment before he murmurs something the moment he retrieved it “So it was really Ishii after all”_ **

**_He didn’t give me a chance to question his statement as he started introducing himself “I am Pixis. We can discuss all the aspects of your work tomorrow when you have the time. We finished earlier than planned thanks to your hard work”_ **

I wouldn’t have noticed the old man if it weren’t for how alerted I was the moment I stepped inside of the alleyways “Standing here together after so long sure does bring back memories”

A grateful smile took over my face; I don’t know how things would’ve turned out if it wasn’t for that encounter “It sure does”

He gave me a thorough examination before he unlocks the door “Do you want to borrow the room at the back? It is currently vacant” 

As usual, he was a step ahead of me “I would be thankful to take you up on your offer”

He released a throaty laugh as he simply said “Let’s prepare for the opening”

The wide space within the double-storey building was dark. The door’s gap was the only source of light as the thick curtains shielded the interior from the heat of the sun. However, the orange remnant of daylight isn’t harmful at this time of the day, so I revealed the walled windows, taking in the view of the clouds; they seemed as if they held the universe’s anger as it fought the sun’s brutal force within their thick layers, making the most delicate sound up there in the wide sky. Perhaps I should imprint it on one of the pages of the story… I hope the child would be awestruck by it as well.

I heaved a sigh and forced myself out of that mesmerized state, moving onto the next task of arranging the restaurant area. I took a deep breath and started to set the tables first, getting the chairs upside down into their proper positions once again before I started folding towels neatly at different forms to add liveliness into the setting before I wipe up the almost non-existing dust. While doing my tasks, I tried to keep my back as straight as I could, realising that I ought to take more painkillers since the ones from the morning started to wear off.

“Oh, you’ve arrived early! Wow… I’m sorry, wait... where is the owner?” My co-worker stepped in, shock evident in his tone as he tried to his it by shifting the subject of his attention; I decided to focus on the question as well “At the kitchen, you probably should leave him be; he is making up his mind on the special menu for the day"

He gave me a knowledging _ooh_ before he suggests politely “You should go and change into your uniform, I will take the rest from here”

I held my breaths as I stretched my hand to make it fit into the button-down sleeves, feeling thunderbolts all over my torso, a few bloodstains started tainting the thick bandage I wrapped around it this morning; I need to be more careful. I fixed the upper half I tied by redoing it again while letting the lower half loose to cover my neck

I untied my hair and only half of it once again, letting the lower half loosely covering my neck. I put another clean band-aid on my cheek before I try to go out. Nevertheless, I couldn’t breathe anymore as fear swilled out of the outs of my stomach suddenly, reminding me of the urge of the situation I was in; I don’t have much time left until this month’s deadline even if I’ve already gathered the greatest part of it. I had to force myself to inhale, counting in my head until I was able to move freely instead of falling into a serious panic attack. _Switch gears Akira, switch gears._

I slapped my face lightly, twice, before I took one last long breath and headed outside, let's wear this worn-out armour against the world.

Not even an hour since we flipped the open sign for the restaurant, the quietness was torn off completely by the white noise made by the packed customers… thankfully, the jazzy music was trying to overpaint it a little. Different customers had different colours coming out of them, almost like they weren’t united by the same space somehow. Some had very beautiful and warm colours, others had shattered tones with a gloomy feeling due to how much of an appeal they attempted to impress others with until they lost their true colours.

It only got busier with time, leaving us with enough time to barely take a proper breath as we moved from one table to the other; taking orders and frequently cleaning everyone’s mess as they switched between meals and drinks rapidly, some would even go to the length of demanding us to bring them something from the close end of the table like we were their personal servants.

In the midst of all that rush, I suddenly heard a familiar voice calling my name with lingering shock; I couldn't have mistaken that voice even among millions of white noises. It was Levi’s, exactly what I was missing for this day to get better. However, I couldn’t treat him any differently from other customers so I bowed respectively as I made space for the huge figure next to him to walk to their seats “Hello, Mr Ackerman”

The two of them had an air of importance even when they clearly didn’t put any effort into their appearance; everyone’s gazes fell upon them the moment they stepped a foot into the floor. It must be suffocating to be watched this intensely the whole time… Nevertheless, these two remained unfazed by any of it, bickering among themselves as one would scream one moment and the other would respond by scolding , almost like the world around them didn’t even exist. It was amusing to watch them having such deep colours floating so strongly around them, but I had to clear my throat to get their attention as I brought them their menu, describing today’s special slowly “I will leave you two to decide which to choose, then. Please, call me whenever you make up your minds”

I walked away from them backwards before I turned around to attend to other customers as well. 

The other section seemed in need of help, so I jumped to fill in even though it would get me scolded later; we can’t leave the customers waiting because we lack working hands. A few minutes later, I was called back to tend to Levi’s table and so I did. The person in front of him was ordering quite the feast, all while demonstrating the most focused face like they were facing the world's most complicated mystery “Ah~ Levi! I can’t decide—... this shit is impossible, I give up”

Levi looked so annoyed as he smacked the person in front of him on the head “Stop whining, Hanji! You are not a brat for god's sake, just choose anything”

I lent a bit forward and spoke with a soft tone; on these occasions, it’s better if someone with prior knowledge stepped in “May I suggest something?”

The customer looked at me with sparkling eyes, nodding their head nonstop as they leaned closer. I pointed with a flat palm towards an unnoticeable proportion of the menu “This dish has similar and yet mixed flavours between the two you are struggling to choose between. I may even dare to say it would taste better than anything similar you would taste around this area”

I wasn’t much of a silvered tongue nor was I trying to sell them anything — this dish truthfully excelled among the others; I don’t think I’ve tasted something similar to it in all of the years I've lived on this cursed land. my whole living years on this cursed land. I failed so many times in portraying the feelings it creates inside of a human’s belly. With that being out of the way, I went back to the kitchen at the back with their orders — filling the blank page of the notes with a sketch of the person with glasses overwhelmed happiness as they were trying to choose something while looking up at their raven-haired friend.


	4. iv. Dämmerung, George, recording.

  * **No one's PoV:**



Levi stood at his doorway, awaiting a certain  _ Kusomegane _ to burst through the door with the world’s carelessness as he took the last sip of his tea.  _ That damn brat, even though she forgets about everything in this godforsaken world, she is as precise as a clean-cut when it comes to disturbing my peace  _ he thought with a sigh. He looked at his wristwatch as he started counting 3.. 2... 1.. and “RAISE AND SHINE SLEE —…”

His friend’s burst of happiness was short-lived as his hand came down on her head like a sword. She started screaming out of pain as she rubbed her forehead “Ouch!!! I am going to grow a mountain on my poor head very soon…”

He wasn’t amused by her exaggerated statement, crossing one hand over the other, as he towered over her thanks to the step he stood on. The sound of his leg tapping against the floor frightened her into question her life choices and the bad deeds she could’ve committed in the last few days:  _ did I forget to clean up something again? I'm sure I stayed clear of his tea stash and he is too much of a clean freak, responsible-maniac, to have a pet that I would’ve made some exciting experiments at on one of my whims…  _ it was evident how astray she went with her thoughts, so he brought her back by lashing out “Why in the fucked up, burning hell did you put back the empty beans’ bottle inside the top shelf when I told you, millions of times, to leave them outside so I can replace them! The least you could do after coming uninvited all the time is to use that brain of yours for this very minor task!”

Spending the greatest part of their lives together, bound by something stronger than blood as they went through thick and thin together, she learned to focus on his intention rather than his rough tone. She snuggled him, rubbing her face on his cheek  _ thank god I don’t have to bend down too much thanks to that step  _ she thought to herself as she started apologising “I am Swwwwory! I promise I won’t do it ever, ever again. Fowgiiiveee meeeeh~"

She stepped away from him at the speed of lightning, escaping his reach so she won’t lose a limb for invading his personal space. She placed a hand on her waist and buffed her chest in proud manners as she made an offer to compensate for her bad deed “And to show you that I’m serious, I will invite you somewhere today, a place with the most delicious tea and the richest flavours out there. It’s on me, come oooon” 

Levi only hissed her name slowly, fed-up with her self-centred actions as her apology held no remorse “Hanji!”

Lounging for long life, she turned on her heel and stormed out of his house, shouting with a foreign accent and a muffled laugh “COME ON, BUCKLE UPPP~”

He knew that her offer was improvised on the spot to escape being scolded, but he decided to tag along this time since she placed such effort to seize the chance of deceiving him into complying to her desire; she has been pestering him to go downtown to a certain restaurant for months now without success. The other reason he agreed to tag along was the amusement of seeing how long she could keep up with scenario she made, already failing miserably as she started fidgeting in her chair in an attempt to stifle her excitement, afraid that he will turn back his car and return home with the hatred he harboured for that part of the city.

On the other hand, Hanji sincerely believed that her poor ploy went unnoticed by the raven-head; the fifteen minutes ride seemed endless since she had to go against her free soul and pay attention to her actions.  _ I simply need to grant a seat there, I can die happily after if he decided to slit my throat once he realised he got fooled into tagging along pfft _ she thought to herself as she looked at the restaurant unfolding perfectly in front of the exploding sunset.

She inhaled deeply as they stepped a foot inside of the restaurant, reminding herself that she needed to pull her acting skill a little bit longer before she could break free at last. Had she known this will happen beforehand, she could’ve called-in to reserve a table instead of getting killed by her friend who detested waiting in line. However, a hint of joy stole a place on Levi’s face as he looked at the faintest details of this place; everything was placed perfectly, matching in harmony without leaving a spot to stray from the rest.

The view alone forced her out of the role she failed at playing, dropping her jaw in shock  _ are pigs flying somewhere else on earth? I’m positive that this is his first visit to this place since it is filled with, and I quote, rich pigs. Yet, somehow this place managed to indulge him already? so fast?  _ Thoughts stormed her head, but a big smile took over her face as she felt delightfulness washing every other emotion away as she realised her little ploy was the reason behind the positive shift in his demeanour.

The table was emptied fast once people noticed the friends’ identity, putting the waiter at an awkward position since he was vacant but had to serve the section that he wasn’t assigned to. Levi recognised the waiter’s back immediately. Due to the fact he wasn’t expecting to meet anyone from his college in such a place, let alone working, he unintentionally let his name slip through his lips “Akira?”

After hearing his name, Akira flinched and blanked out for a split second. Nevertheless, he recovered fast and acted professionally toward the customers “Hello, Mr Ackerman”

The raven-head barely stopped himself from clicking his tongue in frustration upon hearing the way Akira addressed him; he knew he did it out of respect since it would’ve been inappropriate otherwise. However, being addressed as Ackerman never ceased to leave a bitter taste in his mouth. Hanji couldn’t keep her voice down after witnessing the scene unfolding in front of her, feeling betrayed that someone fell under Levi’s radar and she couldn’t figure it out earlier “HOW DO YOU HAVE A NEW FRIEND WITHOUT EVEN TELLING ME? ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME? AFTER ALL THIS TIME!”

Levi saw this coming a mile away ever since he let Akira’s name slip his mouth, he couldn’t help rolling his eyes as he huffed “don’t make a big fuss out of it, we are project partners”

Seeing the object of her conversation approaching meant nothing to Hanji as she shouted in surprise, leaving Levi with the only choice of shutting her up by kicking her leg so she would get distracted by the pain. Oblivious to the fact he was the main lead of their conversation, Akira cleared his throat as he handed the pair their beautifully made menus. He started to explain special dishes of the day before he excuses himself, piquing Hanji’s curiosity with how unexpectedly soothing his voice was as it contrasted his dry formal way of speaking.

The contradiction she witnessed took her mind off the pain, so she leant closer to her friend “What do you mean he is your project partner? Both of your majors are mercilessly hard, even a child of a third-grade family rarely makes it to this point— Are you trying to hide the fact that you are cheating on me that badly…"

Levi sighed in annoyance “Would you stop this whole stupid wife drama, Kusomegane? It’s getting dull at this point”

His rejection only fueled her teasing, encouraging her to add a theatrical spice to her act as she placed a hand on her chest while resting the back of the other on her forehead “After all these years … Oh no, George! my whole life has been a lie”

When she held a glimpse of the ghost of a smile creeping into his face, she rested her forehead on the table while tightening the scarf around her neck; making sure to crack out a genuine one out of his mouth this time “Oh George~ you will even go as far as laughing on my misery... I will depart on a new journey to find someone new who’d take better care of my fine ass. Give me my divorce papers, you cheater”

Hanji peaked with the side of her eyes between her hair strands to see if her little play worked, only to witness the smug on her friend’s face as he crossed his arms on his chest  _ I brought this upon myself  _ she thought “So you admit that you act like a spoiled, annoying and super clingy cat who needs someone to take care of its  _ fine ass _ , huh?”

She stretched her arms on top of the table, correcting her friend with a sulk “Cats used to be worshipped in ancient times you know! I am so ending this relationship”

She opened the menu to prove how serious she is to end this fake marriage display she often plays with, she opened the menu roughly. Yet, she found her true dilemma amid the papers of the pretty menu; she couldn’t decide what to choose for her meal for the day. She allowed her fingers to slip through her head, speaking to herself as she tried to stifle the cry of help she wanted to scream of because of how good everything looked; there is so much her stomach could handle at a time.

When the waiter arrived, she started blurting whatever came to mind, even the dishes she didn’t want because of the simple thought of not wanting to let this chance go to waste since this might be her last chance to fool her friend into coming here “Ah~ Levi! I can’t decide—… this shit is impossible. I give up”

He stared down at his friend and smacked her head, too frustrated with her constant indecisiveness. The hit hurt Hanji more than she anticipated, making her head storm with weird possibilities:  _ How amusing would it be if my head cracked wide open after all those hammering smacks Levi rains on my head every two seconds? It’ll be my first time witnessing someone’s head being cracked open!!! I might not even pass out immediately... SO FREAKING HILARIOUS. _

By the enormous shift in her expressions, Levi knew that his friend drifted into the world of her endless alternatives, which meant that he had to pull her out of it before she jumps down the rabbit hole “Stop whining, Hanji! You are not a brat for god’s sake, just choose anything”

The waiter ended the conflict smoothly before it got any wilder since both friends fall into the habit of isolating themselves from the outside world. He made sure to do so without stepping on a line he wasn’t allowed to “May I suggest something?”

Hanji snapped out of her trace of thoughts after hearing the waiter’s voice, slightly gaping at him as he reminded her of the first time she heard Levi’s soothing voice that contrasted his choice of words and horrifying image as he was covered in blood and mud. She could barely stifle a cry of joy as he provided her with the solution to her dilemma as he pointed out to a side of the menu that she missed “This dish has similar and yet mixed flavours between the two you are struggling to choose between. I may even dare to say it would taste better than anything similar you would taste around this area”

True to his words, the dish wasn’t as expensive as any of the ones she chose. She decided to believe in the sincerity she could sense despite his effort to keep both of his tone and expression neutral. 

She started calling her friend’s name nonstop the moment Akira left their table, almost jumping out of their table with excitement. He had to kick her once again to stop her from repeating his name for the umpteenth time “I heard you the first time”

She rubbed the surface of her foreleg, not delaying her questions any further so she won’t risk losing the answer for good because of her distraction “Ouch... anyways answer me! How could that boy be your partner? He should at least be among the elites to be able to maintain a spot on your course at this point— but that’s impossible! Even a third-grade family will shield their image by not allowing their child to work in public, in the heart of Sina nonetheless…”

A smug smile took over his face, anticipating the shock on her face when she finds out the truth “His family doesn’t care about their image because he is not from here; he is in the course on a scholarship”

Her eyes widened as she gasped for air, almost hurting her throat in the process “YOU MEAN THAT S —scholarship kid? The infamous Stohess citizen who leads a fearsome gang that is involved in drugs and trafficking and all the bad news?”

Like always, she didn’t wait for an answer as her shock turned into disappointment “I was expecting something more ... intimidating? This man redefined the word nice a few minutes ago. I mean, he suggested such a great alternative when he saw me troubled even when it would’ve been better to empty my wallet with my other choices! How could a person who knows his way around food be… villainous? I wonder if he is as skilled in fights as the rumours say?”

She scratched the top of her head, leaning back on her chair as her cheerful mood dropped “Meh, I shouldn’t have listened to those dumb gossips. Now I truly feel bitter about the mismatch in the image and the truth; I was looking forward to analysing more information about such a good body, ugh” 

The raven-head always hated that part of his friend, even if it was of use most of the time, the idea of her wasting her time on _ the rich pig’s cheap drama _ didn’t sit well with him “You should listen more when I tell you to stop getting excited about everything you hear, tsk”

The table got quiet for a few minutes, but before he got the chance to indulge the relaxing atmosphere, another outburst of excitement shattered the bitter mood his friend fell into “Hey, hey have you noticed that? You know... the thing the waiter did on his note?”

He had an idea about the reason behind the seven years old-like action of his friend, but he stayed quiet “His hand gestures didn’t match any letter! I’m sure he was scribbling something else instead… if so, it means that he somehow mastered  _ the _ ultimate focus! I mean we changed our order like a hundred times, yet he managed to memorise it all while scribbling whatever on his note… this is so freaking interesting”

The raven-head was accustomed to Akira’s talent, seeing it first-hand on their first encounter and the few times his eye fell on him during classes. He was conflicted whether to share this information with his curious friend, but he decided to see where her head will lead her with such simple speculation “Maybe he was drawing something instead?” 

A glimpse of madness took over Hanji’s face, thinking about the potentials this stranger possessed; he was a gem in the rough and she needed to see his core “Do you think he will show me if I asked him? I wonder how good it could be if he made it in a few minutes while memorising our orders as well, not to mention he was in such a nerve-wracking situation where he could lose his job if he got distracted in the slightest; this could be a valuable piece of data!”

He soon came to regret his decision of expediting her conclusions, so he soothed the bridge of his nose as he tried to talk his friend out of the crazy idea she was cooking in her head “Don’t invade his personal space. You didn’t like it when people tried to steal the DNA sample you worked so hard to obtain when you snuck everywhere to obtain it for yourself”

Temporary silence took over the table, Hanji’s thoughtful expression tricked him into believing she was putting his words into consideration. However, she was far from listening to him at this point as she asked the waiter the moment he placed their orders on the table “Can you show me the sketch you drew earlier when we made our orders?”

Akira managed to maintain a poker face, but the slight tremble in the dish he held gave him away; the sudden question threw him off his trail. She couldn’t resist the temptation of poking more into his solid exterior “Come on, I just want to take a look at it. It’s not like I am going to tell anybody~”

He inhaled deeply, ashamed of getting caught red-handed. Unwilling to see the outcomes of the subtle threat her words held, he took out the notebook and apologised for drawing her without her permission. However, a scream cut his apology short, and the trio became the centre of attention once again. She held the notebook close to her heart, raining praises nonstop “Damn! This is so beautiful?? How were you able to draw this and focus on my orders and even recommend great stuff — are you a god? I mean how could you even have such a high focus? Oh my, this is the prettiest thing I have ever seen since the discovery of that Griffin-like monster… this is a hundred times better. Can I keep this? Pweeeeaase?? Oh my… fascinating, truly!”

The scene in front him kept being on repeat, so he had no choice other than giving her the sketch. His emotions didn’t show on his face, but he left the table feeling both humiliated and thrilled at the sudden turn in events. It felt like ages since the last time someone showed such pure joy at the art he made even when they knew it was his and not of a high-born. Yet, his pride slowly shattered that figment of joy as it was obtained by the threat of the only thing that liberated him. Still, he tried to remind himself that it feels the best to bring happiness upon someone’s face by his art, his skills and his alone. I shouldn't sweat the details.

After arranging the pair’s orders symmetrically, he took off to continue his work. The painkillers wore off faster than he wanted, but he tried to put his thoughts into the work awaiting him at the other side of the restaurant, hence why he couldn’t see the displeasure on Levi’s demeanours when his friend lifted her head to show him the sketch. The look on his face was enough to get Hanji out of her amused state as it held a different gaze from all the childish scolding he rains on her; he stared coldly down on her with frowned eyebrows.

He called her by her full name, treating her as if she was a stranger that he held no desire to waste his time with “You can play around to your heart’s contents, but you have no right abusing the power your name gave you solely for the fun of it. I am truly disappointed, Hanji Zoe”

He knew the weight of his words, but her deed outweighed them already. They made her quiet, fully aware of how serious the situation was; her playfulness won’t get her out of it as it often did. She tried to shift her focus on the feast ahead, losing appetite to some extent as she slowly realised what she did. On the other hand, Levi enjoyed the silence, savouring his tea as he realised that the lie his friend said about the tea could’ve been a trick to get him out of the house, but it turned out to be one of the best he had in while.

A few minutes passed with nothing but the sound of metal clashing with the plates and the sipping of their drinks, so his eyes wandered around, realising the reason why a kid from nowhere could hold a solid position at the prestigious university without falling behind, despite all the efforts against it. He picked up on Akira’s slowing rhythm with his trained eyes from the military, but the waiter paced around relentlessly with a perfect posture that helped him to grit through the pain.

The rapid shift in talking to the customers, bringing their orders in and out of the kitchen and cleaning different tables made it look like he had an identical twin walking around as well. The raven-head fought against the urge of telling him to breathe while forcing him to sit down, as he reminded him of a ghost from his past.

Hanji kept on dwelling on what happened, affected by the way Levi called her by her full name. They only call each other by their given names since it was all they had growing in the slums, attaching something to it was his way to tell her that she became the person they promised never to become. However, getting caught up in the what-ifs and alternatives of the past was foreign to her, so her friend decided to snatch her out of her current state of mind with a smug face “And here I thought you put all of that effort to drag me here for the delicious food but I, for once, might’ve actually been wrong”

She got flustered by the sudden deceleration; he was enjoying this from the beginning “O-oh, you shouldn’t doubt me after all these years! Who do you think I am? Hah, of course, I am here for the food”

He looked at her with a playful smirk “I can’t believe that you could pull off all those stunts on your lab mates with this poor acting skills, they should reconsider going to an optometrist so they could see the obvious again. Tsk, tsk”

She took a huge gulp of the plate ahead, speaking with a full mouth “Yogh agh the woght, shophty”

_ Shorty  _ was enough to earn her another strong kick to the same foreleg. She choked on her food due to the immense pain, unable to decide whether to rub her leg or to drink something before she died. She took the juice Levi handed her, speaking with a raspy voice once she regained her breath “George! I indeed wanted a divorce but you can’t kill me for that! If I knew you were such a stalker, I wouldn’t have signed those papers” With that being said, Hanji devoured what remained of her feast at the speed of lightning.

They ordered the check not long after, and Hanji conveniently forgot her wallet once again “Remind me to never believe you again”

She shrugged with a sheepish smile as she told Levi about the odds of remembering such a thing even happened later, which made him flicker her forehead with rolling eyes “The great researcher with one of the brightest mind of our age can’t even remember her daily events; that’d make quite the article”

She made the same dramatic posture once again, walking carelessly among the crowd “Oh no! My reputation is about to get smeared even further~ I can’t handle being so cool”

She went into a hysterical laughing fit, walking like a drunkard as she knew this won’t be their last visit to this place from the look on her friend’s face.

* * *

  * **Akira’s PoV:**



My plans for the day included working on the bar’s shift at midnight as well since I could gain a bonus; it was the only physical activity my body could handle at this point. However, both the boss and the bartender brushed me off; due to my poor performance at the end of the shift, most likely. Tsk.

I took a shower once I reached the room at the back, changing the stained bandages… I need to tread more lightly, or I will end up opening all the nearly-healed wounds again. All of the pain rushed back to my system once I rested on the mattress without straining the muscles anymore, so I took out the emergency pack of cigarettes I keep hidden in my bag for times like this when I need an outlet that doesn’t involve straining my hand with rough lines on the sketchbook. 

I don’t have anything to occupy my time with at the moment. I finished all of my school work at the library earlier, and sleep won’t visit me since I slept longer than I usually do last night. This vacancy is strange to me, almost like the taste of a bad deed I need to take my mind off before it turns into another hideous demon; I had to burn it down with a long breath of nicotine. It felt like the ruin of the cells within my body will exorcise the bad thoughts, burning the demons residing within them in the process.

The peace didn’t last long, as I had to pick up the phone “ _ Do you want a—… _ ”

The loudness at the background was killed by the slam of the door on the other end of the call, and the owner of the nightclub spoke once again “ _ Do you want a job for the night? I will give you the bonus you always demand… please, I am in a trouble here _ ”

I released a sigh as I watched the cigarette burn into waste “I will take it beforehand, as usual, you know that, right? You called on such short notice after all”

He could barely sustain the sigh of relief as he tried to mask his out of character joy “ _ Of course, just show up… Now? _ ”

I looked at the time on my phone and asked cautiously “Isn’t it a bit early for the bartender shift? I should still have at least 32 minutes before the next change”

I must’ve caught him off guard, I can’t understand what is going on, but something was off. He started throwing inconsistent events to justify the timing, but all of them sounded like lies. I should decline him, rest for the day and regain my strength a bit… but I don’t have that luxury; I have the debt to pay and there are only a few days left. I don’t possess the confidence to grit through labour work or more driving around in this state. “Fine, I will be there in less than twenty minutes”

I finished the cigarette I was holding and stuffed my phone into my pocket, leaving everything in the room as I headed to the nightclub. I knew better than to ignore the feeling in my gut, so I left my bicycle locked in the back and walked toward the nightclub.

The walk took a bit longer since I had to detour away from the crowded spots into the tight alleyways, but I still made it on time. The stimulation of the urge not to trip in the darkness helped me to stay focused, away from the dark places my brain adores to wander at this late into the night. However, that ended the moment I spotted the kid I knocked unconscious a few days. He was pacing back and forth at the back of the nightclub, shouting at his goons “How long will I have to wait in this shitho —... There he is! Catch him”

I could either knock them out and run to the other end of this place, or I receive whatever they throw at me and blackmail my employee into giving me what has left of this month’s loan… damn it, this is going to hurt like hell tomorrow. 

I dodged the heavy punches, allowing the rich brat to land a few successful ones here and there; his skills were below average, but he only picked the nasty location to land his punches. I didn’t calculate the fact that I have fresh wounds when he started cornering me with his men, giving him the pleasure of immobilizing my movements for a split second when he punched me on the side. That was all it took to bring me down, a split second where I gave in to the pain to get under their feet, playing with me like a toy by lifting me again with their punches. However, I wasn’t going to make it easy for them.

I lent back on the wall, standing once again as I centred my strength into my knees so they wouldn’t be able to drop me with their weakening punches. 

The brat must’ve gotten fed-up with the lack of fear on my face, so he took out a pocket knife. I could feel the sharp end on my neck as something warm streamed down my neck “You don’t look that tough now, huh? Bad for you that we are not drunk enough for you to demonstrate that fake strength of yours, HUH!”

I spat the blood on his face, already annoyed by how the metal taste washed over the leftovers I ate back at the restaurant. What could he do? I couldn’t care less about whether he had it in him to stab someone while being sober “I dare you to push it in; you can make me bleed to death with ease if you pushed the knife a bit harder on the right. Tsk”

The three of them weren’t in any better shape than mine. They were sweating buckets, panting from the bottom of their chests since they’ve done all of the work themselves. It would be nice to see a spoiled brat going through with his threat for once. Nevertheless, I lived to see another day. His hands started to tremble, no trail of the boldness he demonstrated last night as he spat next to me. He hissed like a wounded snake, hiding behind his armed men as he placed the pocket knife inside of his jacket’s pocket; he managed to wound my upper arm in frustration “You better choose your opponents carefully next time. Believe me, you won’t meet a lot of merciful guys like me who won’t bat an eye to teach you your rightful place, inferior parasite”

He turned on his heels, his men following closely like hounds before he went in the opposite direction of the nightclub’s back door. 

I couldn’t tell how bad I looked, but I must’ve looked hideous if the guards let me in without identification. My vision started to get blurry and I didn’t have the strength to grab my bleeding arm, but I had to move forward and obtain what I came for, swallowing the dirt earlier would’ve been for nothing otherwise.

Colours drained off his face as I walked into his office, blood dripping onto his carpet. 

**_“Showing pain to the reason behind your wounds is like going to a battlefield half-naked in front of a military tank; you should shoot yourself by the shred of pride you have left before you disgrace both yourself and me with such sight” my father said as he punched my stomach which barely matched the size of his fist, preparing for landing another one to turn the bruised ribs into broken ones if I dared to listen to my nerve system and bend for protection._ **

**_I released a whimpering cry as I tried to endure pain, straightening my back as I ran out of breath with his earlier punch. He slapped me on the face exactly a second and a half later as he towered over my crawled body on the floor “I didn’t waste my sperm to give birth to a weakling! STAND ON YOUR FEET”_ **

**_I couldn’t move; fear numbed my body and took any control I could have over it . I curled into a ball as he kept drilling that principle into my subconscious. I had to lie to myself, that if I stopped looking it won’t become reality, that this all was a bad dream I was going to wake up from and my mother would make me an apple tart to ward off the nightmares since I am the apple of her eyes; she believes that apple has the power to drive all of the things that could disturb my pure eyes._ **

**_However, this wasn’t something others could free me from, this is my reality and life from now on and I have to stand on my feet if I didn’t want her to live with those nightmares._ **

The owner tried to pretend oblivion, failing to hide the audacity of this world from lingering outside of his mouth “Oh god! What happened to you? How will you serve at the bar like that!”

I stood still, keeping my posture from crumbling like raindrops. The room was soundproof, so the quietness made it sound like I was talking into his ear “Let’s cut the bullshit ok? I know you arranged all of this and I will pretend I was hit by a truck if you tripled what I am supposed to get paid today; you basically crippled me for the night with this stunt”

My words failed to waver him. It only made him look down on me, similar to the one I received earlier from the spoiled brat before he runs with his tail between his legs “What do you mean? I do not know what you are accusing me off. No working, no paying; a common knowledge, ay?”

I reached out for my pocket and played a certain recording on my phone, the owner's voice echoed through the room as he permitted me to take down the spoiled scum a few days ago; I would’ve been truly damaged in the head if I hadn’t learned to take measures with those in power after getting deceived by them more than I could count.

I lifted my phone into the air once he tried to reach out for it “You don’t think this is the only version I have, don’t you?”

He tried to regain his pride, fighting back the seed of suspicion I planted into his head. However, the simple reminder of how hideously it would end for him was enough to make him yield “Want to take a chance on whether I had more than one once I show it to him?”

He rubbed his face roughly like he was stunned on one of the things he sold around here. His breaths were filled with alcohol so I had to step away from him once he tried to grab my hand while laughing awkwardly “I was kidding with you, kiddo. What’s wrong? You’re so uptight to even realise when someone is making a joke for god’s sake”

Fearful of my patience running thin, he ran back to his desk, nearly tripping in the process. He opened his safe and took out a larger stack of money than I requested “You can keep the rest of the money if we left this behind, hmm?”

I remained in my spot, taking the money from his hand while telling him that I will get rid of it once I am out of here. However, he held onto the other end of the stack as he stepped closer to me, trying to fool me into accepting his offer so he could take back the money “We should help each other, ay? I won’t be able to sleep well at night knowing that this is still out there somewhere”

Pain jolted through my ribs as I tried to inhale deeply, so I channelled that pain into my face to look more sharply at him “I am a man of my word. You can take back your money if you can’t handle such a small risk, ay?” 

He took more money out of his pocket and filled the room once again with the smell of vodka as he laughed awkwardly “Ha-ha I was kidding with you. Here take this and buy something on your way home, I have faith in you”

I released a sigh as I walked slowly out of the room with the money hidden well under my shirt; the only copy I owned of this recording was on this phone, but he doesn’t need to know that.

Once I reached the backside of Dämmerung, I had to take my shirt off, fighting against the sudden chill from the outside world so I can press down the wound and prevent the blood from staining the place. My breaths were getting shallower and my vision hadn't been any better, but I had to focus so I could close it before I bled any further.

I took the keys for the kitchen and opened the back-door, the shirt was soaking wet with blood now so I had to carefully lift my hand to the top drawer to get the honey; it would prevent infection and help with the burn I’m about to inflict on myself.

I took the jack-knife out of my jeans before I allowed its blade to heat up alongside the bowl of the honey I poured earlier.

When the blade took a slight shade of red and the honey started to boil, the only thing left for me was to close the source of the mess and treat it with honey afterwards. It was painful, and it took every strength left in my body not to shout, but I managed to seal it properly.

At some point, I blacked out.

I can’t pinpoint when exactly, but I remember dealing with the reopened wound on my waist before I wake up again in a different place. There are a few band-aids I can’t remember putting them on my body, especially the huge plaster near my hip bone, but it seems like I changed all of the other stained bandages as well. The only reason I am awake now was due to my lack of oxygen; I am going to have another serious panic attack.

I tried to count from one to ten, to find a rhythm I could steady myself with, but nothing worked. I paced toward the room I was occupying, unable to run as my airways tightened— rigid against my attempt of forcing oxygen down. 

I flipped my bag upside down, scattering through my belongings so I could find a dry pen and a sketchbook. It was my last resort, I don’t know any other way to break the fist around my throat. I started drawing everything that came to mind, Levi’s car interior, the faces of people I saw in the few last days, the bright smile of Connie, everything I held a glimpse of in that vivid dream and even the interior structures of this room— I need to draw, I need to shatter the silence with the pen’s sound and force my senses to fall into its rhythm. 

When I thought I could take a breath once the attack ended, the urge to throw up nearly got out of control so I had to run towards the toilet. I kept on spilling my gut out until it gotten emptied, burning my throat with small cuts as the acid burnt deeply. Headache slowly burst through my veins, but nausea wouldn’t fade away. Seconds felt like hours, but I finally managed to get some rest as I leant back on the wall a few inches away. The feeling of the cold wall against my back threw what little self-restraint I had as I gave in to the urge of crying while hiding my face in my forearm.

I can’t fight against serious panic attacks like this one; they lurk and hide until I lower my guard before they leave me vulnerable for whoever to aim. The debt I buried myself deep under is the same, I could end up as a sex slave in the best alternative if I don’t grit my teeth and make it through the month with the precise amount that loan shark decides on a whim— I am not even sure if I won’t end up fucked up in the head from all of this pressure before they could do anything to my body.

I keep on looking over my shoulders every day, waiting for the attack that I know won’t come before its time. I know that in my head, that I have to build a strong core rather than wearing this weary armour, but my heart is weak, and the slightest whiff could crush me down. Maybe I do deserve what’s happening to me after all, I am nothing but a weakling as he said, tsk.

I washed my face, trying to get rid of the bitter taste as I went back to fix the mess I made. I took another shirt from the wardrobe, sheltering my body against the numbing coldness by wearing my dark raincoat; I was half-naked ever since I walked into the kitchen earlier. My face looked like I came out of Stohess, I am not even sure that concealer would help to hide these hideous bruises; some of them opened into fresh cuts which I had to put white tapes on its edges to keep its sides tight together.

The kitchen was in a good state considerably. I just had to clean up the things I have used while getting rid of the tossed bandages here and there. I also left a memo with the cost of the amount of honey I had to use to clean up the wound.

Once I made sure I finished everything, I laid back on the mattress. Only then had I realised that I will have to go back to the apartment to get a proper outfit… damn it.

I inhaled deeply, trying not to fall victim for another attack as I unplug myself from reality for a few minutes by staring at the ceiling, watching the shifting of the light as it escaped the small window, changing colours with the dawn breaking through the darkness. 

Since the sun will be shining soon, I knew it would be better to get a spot early at the Working Class’s bus stations that run with the sun. I had to walk away from the main street since the stop points are further from the mansions of the wealthy. Luckily, I was able to find a seat by the window; the ride is a bit long from the heart of Sina to the residential area without the little alleyways and shortcuts.

I fetched my phone and dialled my mother’s number, deciding it would be better if she met me halfway rather than risking to clash with that drunkard and ruin these bones beyond repair. It only took a few beeps before she answered with a sweet voice “ _ Akira? What’s wrong my love? It’s rare for you to talk to me over the phone — Did you even come back home last night? D —… _ ”

I cut her raining questions short “I am fine, mom; I had to work overtime. I am calling because I have to rush back to my college, so could you please hand me some fresh underwear and a new pair of jeans?”

The call went silent for a while before she asked, with a caring and oblivious tone “ _ Are you sure you are fine, apple of my eye? You must be overworking yourself with all these overtimes on top of your college work… Can’t you spare a few minutes to eat something with me? _ ”

I barely stifled the tired sigh from escaping my lips as I assured her “It is ok mom, I am tough; few overtimes won’t break me. Anyways I really can’t miss the next bus by going up. Would you be able to leave them at the lockers downstairs?”

She hummed in response, probably heading toward my room before she ended the call. I feel bad for letting her do errands for me, but I could swallow it compared to the risk of letting my beloved father see me in this state.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to say "apologies, apologies" for the delay, but we both know that I would probably do it again lol.  
> Anyways, there is still one chapter left (but I will probably divide it into two segments cuz it's so long lol) but yeah, stay tuned and let's hope it won't take as long hehe.


End file.
